Bradley Smythe is currently in a state of paralysing indecision as he stares deeply into the list of UQLS presidential candidates.

‘Surely there’s another one one here somewhere, maybe it’s in invisible ink’ muttered Brad as he reached for his blue light.

A lot of white men are currently scratching their head in the Walter Harrison as they answer the eternal question - Which vote will make me look the most woke?

‘Obama made it easy, he was running against a crusty old white man’ complained Cooper Walsh-Tuttle. The Mallesons paralegal was uniquely stressed looking at the options, muttering to himself, ‘there’s not even a white woman here who I can easily identify with.’

‘Oh that’s right, they installed a massive glass ceiling when they did the refurb,’ he remembered.

The three male candidates do not offer any further clarification on who this man should vote for in order to avoid cancellation. ‘All three of these men are diverse… but who’s, like, the most diverse? Like, the least white? I’m fucking struggling here.’

At the end of the day, by voting for one candidate you’re tearing down two others. You know what that makes you mate? A racist.

Plenty more campaign news to come.