In a disappointing turn of events, a groovy new cafe which opened in Brisbane’s West End last week has been revealed as the kitchen of a confused, generous Italian grandmother.
Valentina Alfonsi (71) has lived in West End since arriving on Australia’s shores at the tender age of 11. Like many European immigrants to Brisbane, she infused her own culture and heritage with that of Australia’s, making dishes for her extended family which deftly blend fresh, local ingredients, and traditional Italian methods.
However, those dishes have recently proved an enormous hit with West End’s yuppy, hipster crowd, who have found themselves on Sunday mornings sitting in Alfonsi’s kitchen, enjoying her hospitality.
Steven Davies (23), an Architecture student and owner of mildly famous left-wing Twitter account ‘Sorry For Flexing On Peter Dutton,’ wandered into Alfonsi’s kitchen one day, and noting the decor and the dishes bubbling away on the stove, assumed it was a niche new breakfast hotspot.
After immediately texting his breakfast group chat, ‘thank u, next (breakfast place pls),’ he took a seat in Alfonsi’s dining room, and waited for the menu that never came.
Instead, the befuddled Alfonsi assumed Steven must’ve been one of her grandson’s friends, and whipped him up a feast fit for a king. When seven friends rocked up, Alfonsi kept cooking. And cooking. And cooking.
For the last three months.
We spoke with Steven about how he could make such a genuinely absurd mistake.
‘I don’t know, I just saw the eclectic mix of steel water cups, stovetop coffee, and a quirky, yet homely interior, and I just assumed it was a great place for an hungover yet hip breakfast.’
‘Which wasn’t technically wrong. Nonna Alfonsi makes a mean smashed avo on foccacia with cracked black pepper and garlic-roasted tomatoes.’
Seemingly unfazed by the lack of physical payment options, customers of the affectionately-named ‘Brown Door Cafe,’ as they have started to call it, have all assumed the payment method is planting a tree in Alfonsi’s front-yard.
‘Yeah, it’s pretty common for these breakfast collective places to forgo physical payment and promote the planting of trees in local hotspots,’ said Steven’s friend and one-time lover, Sara Groff (22), referring to a practice we’re pretty fucking certain doesn’t exist.
Hopefully no more to come for the beleaguered Nonna Alfonsi. Although, we’re actually getting a bit peckish, I wonder if she’s on UberEats?
I’ll ask.