They’ve done it. Those crazy bastards, they’ve really done it.

In a twist absolutely no-one saw coming, least of all the scientists, politicians, and researchers’ who were at their wits end, a small but plucky society of like-minded university students have come together to achieve the sweetest victory of all: ending the COVID-19 pandemic.

And all it took was a spirited series of Instagram stories reminding people to do the same thing they’ve been doing for the last three weeks! Who knew?!

The UQ Accounting and Financial Business Law Management Society (also known as the UQAFBLMS, which sounds like a degenerative motor-neurone disease you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy), with an executive composed entirely of third-year students who were searching for meaning beyond a 5.2 GPA and a penchant for schooners at The Regatta, decided to make the monumental decision this morning, when some absolute fucking bright spark in their group chat suggested the most impactful format of all for their message.

The humble Instagram story.

And in a series of adorable photos and videos, imploring their thirty-odd followers to ‘stay at home to save lives,’ it seems this brave society might have just done it. It’s not easy for an executive to transition from hosting social events at the Red Room to being at the forefront of managing a global crisis, but hey - if that’s not what they train you for at Grammar Debating, I don’t know what is.

Rest assured for those fearing these students will simply let their success stand without alerting the world. Reports indicate Treasurer Anthony Salisbury has already written ‘solved the Coronavirus pandemic without breaking a sweat’ into his LinkedIn bio, whilst President Lillian Jackson has promptly updated her resume with the title of ‘Problem-Solver Extraordinaire.’

This is just what this country needed, and it’s so darn good of these students to provide. Brilliant efforts, everyone!

No more to bitterly come.