In a historical discovery sure to rock the foundations of human civilization, Israeli archaeologists digging in ruins west of Jerusalem have unearthed stone tablets which are believed to be from approximately 2481 BCE.

The markings on the tablets, when translated from their original Hebrew, appear to be a set of instructions and guidelines for living life.

These include ‘Don’t dog the boys,’ and ‘Don’t sleep with your bro’s ex,’ and ‘Only hug the boys if Damo shouts everyone a rumbo.’

These guidelines are now believed to be the most ancient form of recorded law. The Hammurabic Code, from 1754 BC, was previously believed to hold this title. But the new discovery, entitled the ‘Hebro Code’ (by some very clever Hebrew archaeologists), outdates the Hammurabic Code by hundreds of years.

Academics are looking to these ancient laws to illuminate our present society. Some of the laws now appear a little outdated, such as ‘Stone any bro who dogs the boys to hang out with his girlfriend,’ whereas others are shockingly progressive, with ‘True bros ask senior management to promote women above them,’ and ‘It’s Medicare-for-all, not Medicare-for-just-the-boys.’

The punishments for violating such laws are equally intriguing. There’s the classics, with stonings, whippings, lashings, and being forced to down a pint in eight seconds all amongst the suggested punishments.

But in what was clearly a classic Hebrew punishment, rule 67 of the ‘Hebro Code’ requires a man who steals his brother’s horse to have his eyes licked by the very same horse.

Bizarre! But what an ultimately fascinating look into the history and development of law and masculinity.

No more to come.