‘Froot loops and Tooheys? Yeah, I’m an animal. What of it?’

A local ‘loose nut’ and Year 12 graduate, Nick Rawson (17), has today confirmed he is having the most insane, loose time at Schoolies, by informing The Obiter that this morning he filled his cereal bowl with beer - the milk of the Party Boy.

After several days of drinking, sleeping, and eating, Nick decided to take things to the next level. But after he finished punching holes in walls with his mates from St. Damian’s College, he realised he needed to step up his game.

Vomiting in sinks wasn’t going to cut it anymore. Nick needed to get the edge over the competition, to prove his credentials as the sickest fella on Cavill Ave.

An ice-cold can of Tooheys’ New, and a bowl of a cereal already lacking in dietary fibre and nutritional value, would be the tools this innovator would use to take his ‘pisscannon’ reputation up a notch.

‘Full-cream milk? For cowards. Skim milk? For cowards. In fact, if you’re eating cereal with anything other than a frothy one, or maybe even a Milton Mango, you’re a genuine coward, and you should be taken out the back and shot,’ said Nick, clearly tipsy from his three spoonfuls of fucking rank cereal.

As he grimaced and struggled his way through half the bowl, the frosty sweetness of the Loops combining awkwardly with the yeasty flair of the lager beer, his pained smiles provided enormous insight into the difficulties experienced by those who feel pressured to perform their masculinity in a hypermasculine environment.

But when he vomited a little bit back into the bowl, our sympathy largely flew out the window. This was a genuine dingus we were dealing with.

What could we do? Before our interview could continue, we were unceremoniously kicked out of Crown. Turns out you can’t be a twenty-something uni student and just hang around Schoolies in hope of a laugh for your satirical news page.

What a crock.