In the wake of the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse, a number of recommendations have been made to the Catholic Church, to ensure the horrors of the past are never repeated.

The Church has accepted some recommendations, and rejected others, but today, The Obiter can report the Church will be following in the footsteps of the New Zealand All Blacks, Sydney Swans, and optimistic U15 rugby league teams, by formally adopting a ‘No Dickheads’ policy.

A ‘No Dickheads’ policy has historically been used by sporting organizations to promote strong organisational culture and achieve triumphant on-field results. For the Vatican, it seems to hold the key to ensuring the priesthood will be field with nothing but honest, good blokes.

After all, it was Jesus who first said ‘Good blokes make good players,’ and ‘A team of champions will always lose to a champion team.’

Biblical academics often forget the Sermon on the Mount was largely dominated by sporting cliches, because whilst the meek might inherit the Earth, they should also be fully aware that the Romans can’t run without legs.

The ‘No Dickheads’ policy is expected to be rolled out in time for the 2019 confessional season, with a post-Christmas increase in sinning expected to test this new generation of good bloke priests.

Justin Langer, coach of the Australian national cricket team, has celebrated the move.

‘When you think about it, Catholicism was always about a no dickheads policy. Pontius Pilate? Classic dickhead.’

‘Although they need is some elite honesty, and to be selecting blokes on character, not cover drives, and the Church will be looking good!’