‘Bro, I don’t even know your last name,’ Ellie Woods replied to the overly keen 18-year-old that lay next to her, Wilson G... well, actually, we don’t know his last name either.

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In a tragic turn of events, a young man has been rejected by who he thought was the love of his life.

Last Thursday night, Wilson (18) hit the Valley with “the boys” to get some hookies. After an excruciating wait in line, Wilson and the boys finally entered Brisbane’s most delightful, welcoming nightclub, Birdees.

Upon entrance, Wilson hit the dance floor where he met Ellie Woods (also 18, obviously), who was shaking her booty to “Hotel Room Service” by Pitbull. After buying her and her besties each two vodka Redbulls (sugar free), Wilson was lucky enough to be invited back to Ellie’s St Lucia apartment for some ‘pretty average sex,’ as Ellie described it.

On Friday morning, Wilson hung around for a total of 2 hours and 27 minutes (a whole 2 hours and 26 minutes too long), working up the courage to ask Ellie a question that had been on his mind since the moment they locked eyes on the d-floor.

‘Sooo... what are we??’ Wilson asked.

‘Bro, I don’t even know your last name,’ Ellie replied.

After an awkward pause, Ellie announced that she had a hair appointment she had to go to, prompting Wilson to finally fuck off.

Ellie has confirmed with The Obiter that she in fact did not have a hair appointment.

She has since successfully ghosted Wilson.

No more to come.