The Clemson Tigers, in honour of their national championship victory, attended the White House several days ago for a champion’s feast. However, due to the government shutdown forcing the White House chefs to be unavailable, the hungry pack of 20-year-old college athletes were forced instead to endure fast-food burgers, fries, and pizza.

Ew!

Normally, these enormous, hulking athletes who need to eat the equivalent of seven roast chickens a day to maintain muscle mass, snack on nine-course degustation menus before training, with Clemson’s duck fat risotto and scorched garlic sauce a particular favourite.

Indeed, for many of these players, they hadn’t even heard of burgers and pizza before their tragic, heartbreaking visit to the White House, leading many of them to over emphasise the ‘zz’ in pizza. Hence, they pronounced it as if rhymed with ‘scissor.’

Disgusting!

One particularly disappointed attendee was 136kg Alexander Dorrington-Whiteley, who eats, like most college students do, a diet strict on traditional French cooking techniques, and heavy in fresh, rich vegetables, proteins, and oils from the rolling hills of Italy’s Lazio region.

‘Oh, this just simply won’t do,’ said the Clemson Tigers offensive lineman, who needs to eat 8000 calories a day to maintain muscle mass.

‘I don’t see a sniff of a balsamic vinaigrette reduction, and it looks to me as if these chips haven’t been triple-cooked in goose fat. Why do we even bother?’

Curiously, the most popular menu items at the Clemson mess hall are the $1 slice of pizza, and their famous $3-for-2-hamburgers deal, which peaks in popularity at 1.30am in the morning. But we don’t know who’s eating that, because these athletes clear wouldn’t go near a dish that hasn’t been flambéd in brandy before being carved tableside.

Bizarre! Hopefully more to come from these disappointed culinary prodigies who moonlight as football players.