Henry Changes Last Name To Sport In Vain Attempt To Convince People He Plays Sports

Henry Spork seemingly has it all. Brains. Good looks. A funny last name. Though there is one thing he is lacking and that is crucial to his position as Sports VP: the ability to play sports. 

“Guys call me Henry Sport because I play a lot of sports” said the prospective VP of Jocks Henry Spork, convincing no one. 

The Sports VP is a sacred role destined for the law society’s biggest Jocks. It is a role reserved for only the biggest meat heads and one that gives them the safe space they need. Henry is no such meat head.

We all remember Angus Watson’s inspirational Sports VP speech, “Angus smash!” 

This poignant speech encapsulates the importance of this role to the Neanderthals in the law school. We cannot let someone as sophisticated as the Sporkmeister take this role. 

The Obiter investigated Henry’s sporting history and it is grim. Henry once played 5 minutes of social netball before coming off with a sprained ear (the whistle was too loud). Henry is actually quite proficient at pigeon golf, whatever that is, though that is not an internationally recognised sport. 

We questioned Henry about his lack of sporting participation. 

“Fine, I’m not a rugby meathead like Angus Watson, or a cricketer that peaked in highschool like Will Garske and Ben Funnell. But I do have one thing that they do not: heart. Also, I was a social sports officer and am completely qualified for the role.”

The Obiter was sincerely moved by these comments and now support Henry in his campaign for Sports VP.

Who Is This Guy?

UQLS oldhead Tom Walsh promises to ‘school’ newcomer Felipe Florit in the art of being VP (Education).

In what promises to be the greatest showdown this side of The Levant, Tom Walsh and Felipe Florit will be going head to head for Vice-President (Education) in the 2023 UQLS AGM.

Tom ‘Senior Citizen’ Walsh has reportedly been overheard saying that he will ‘school’ UQLS newcomer Felipe and that, ‘Felipe ain’t got nothing on me fam!’

However, the Obiter has it on good authority that Walshy doesn’t even have his pen license and instead writes exclusively in pencil and crayon. How can he educate others, if he isn’t educated himself? What can we learn from Walshy, other than how to grow a sick moe?

But the question on everyone’s lips is… who is the enigmatic Felipe? Who is this aliteratively name outsider promising to overhaul a system that no one thought was broken?

Well, the Obiter’s investigative team has done the digging. We’ve heard that Felipe has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus, that his hair’s insured for $10,000, and he does car commercials… in Japan.

Two men. One student society executive role. Who will win?

The Obiter eagerly awaits the election results.

Freedom Of Speech Under Threat With Shocking Obiter Editor-in-Chief Nomination Mystery

A universal human right is under threat after the Obiter’s big dog position 'suspiciously’ receives no nominations, causing many to worry about the future of press freedom in the UQLS. 

The Obiter has long stood as the important fourth estate providing head noise to many after the law ball, it’s impartial UQLS election coverage, and great quality MAFS articles. 

Now the future is looking grim for not only the masthead, but the landscape of press freedom in this country. 

While Renato Costa’s Aussie Law may argue the constitution does not explicitly protect freedom of expression, we believe this country should give more of a damn about the Obiter’s feelings. 

This has caused many to entertain conspiracies about the the Obiter next year. Asking questions such as: 

Is the UQLS trying to censor such an impartial, objective and credible fourth estate? 

Has The Betoota Advocate bought the Obiter?

Is the Obiter collaborating with the UQUTE campus dating show? 

Is this just Elliot Perkins trying to get ahold of deleted 2022 UQ Law Ball videos? 

Has Obiter got too big for it’s own boots? 

#freedomofthepress

Annabelle ‘Cool’: Why Electing Annie Khoo To The Position Of Secretary Would Be Disastrous

We all know how important the position of Secretary of the UQ Law Society is. They are the bedrock of our prestigious institution and ensure the effective implementation of the society’s rules. UQLS Secretary is a serious role designed for boring people - like Beining Zhang - yet Annie clearly loves a drink.

Pictured is Annie studying several alcoholic drink. The only thing she should be studying is the Society’s constitution and how QPAY functions. Someone has to work that cursed app out and it is the Secretary.

Annie has been one of this year’s socials officers. Pretty self-explanatorily cool.

The Obiter has heard reports that Annie is involved in the “Law Revue.” The only laws she should be reviewing is the UQLS by-laws. 

Annabelle Khoo is too cool. The society would fall into disrepair if she were elected to the role.

The Obiter humbly calls for some nerd to run from the floor against her. 

Regards,

A concerned UQLS citizen.

Angharad Beach Enlists Nicki Minaj To Deliver Campaign Anthem As UQLS Deputy Presidential Race Heats Up

“Let’s vote for Ms Beach, Beach, let’s vote for our fave” sings Minaj in a reworked version of her 2012 record ‘Starships’.

As the hotly contested race for Deputy President of the UQLS reaches its final days, candidate Angharad Beach has collaborated with rap superstar Nicki Minaj to re-release the 2012 smash hit Starships in a move pundits are saying could blow the race wide open. Minaj’s hit opens:

“let’s vote for Ms Beach, Beach, let’s vote for our fave,

They say, what they gonna say

Grab a coff, fee and hit the Law Libe

Candidates like her are hard to come by”

Beach lends her voice to the pre-chorus, crooning:

            “hey UQ Law, Law, you’ve got one chance

            Society-y, I will enhance

            So vote some more, more, for Dep-u-ty Pres

            Tillie’s a bore, bore, but here I am”

The Obiter was able to speak to Minaj, who told us that, in fact, it was her who had reached out to Angharad with the idea to work together.

“I’ve just been such a huge fan of her essays and exam answers throughout the years,” said Nicki, “and her work in the 2022 Law Revue was sublime. So, of course, when I saw she was up for such a crucial position, I felt that I had to do whatever I could to get her over the line.”

Many think of the role of Deputy President as somewhat of a symbolic role; this, of course, could not be further from the truth. The Deputy President, like the Secretary and Treasurer, works closely with the President to co-ordinate the Law Society. Most importantly, the Deputy President is ready to step into the President’s shoes in the case of an assassination, a situation which is unfortunately all too common for the Leader of the Free Campus.

Indeed, just this year Deputy President Nyenyezi Murhi spent a week in a bunker for security reasons following an attempt on the life of President Charlotte Traves by a group of radical Sidney Lumet fans after her (admittedly misguided and insensitive) comments that the Law Ball’s theme referred to the 2017 Kenneth Branagh MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS and not Lumet’s 1974 adaptation.

Reports from the Tillie Alleluia camp are that the candidate was blindsided by the song’s release, but has been working the phones tirelessly attempting to get in contact with Leonard Cohen or Jeff Buckley to rework Hallelujah into Alleluia, a campaign anthem of her own.

Affirmative Action Secures Tim Rainbird An Uncontested Bid For UQLS Treasurer

Despite the UQLS’s affliction for matriarchy, general membership relieved to see that treasury will remain managed by the finance bros.

For the last decade, the UQLS has enjoyed an inclusive policy that retains the position of Treasurer exclusively for white men.

While some have critiqued saying things like “why is it seemingly always a white guy who is treasurer,” or “lol seriously this is some bizarre pattern every other leadership role is open to anyone”, we at The Obiter firmly believe in the policy as it gives power to an incredibly marginalised group: white men.

We reached out to Tim for comment.

“I’m really grateful for this affirmative action policy. It really gave me hope as a first year that I could break the glass ceiling using my knowledge of Xero and budgeting. ”

The policy is also protected by the fact that the position of Treasurer is hereditary. The Obiter is excited to see which number crunching white guy Tim will appoint as Finance Officer 2024 - or should we say, who Tim will appoint as Treasurer 2025.

No more to come.

Eve I’ll-Chop-Off-Your-Limb-Oro Suspiciously Remains Uncontested For UQLS President

In an unprecedented (more like unpresidented!) turn of events, there has been only one advanced nomination received for UQLS president: Eve Limboro. The Obiter suspects foul play. 

In the grand history of the University of Queensland Law Society, there have been very few instances of an uncontested bid for the top job. We at The Obiter suspected that not all was as it seemed. We were not fooled by Eve’s open, friendly and kind exterior. We know there must be more to the woman who would seemingly make an excellent President.  We had to investigate the truth.

The Obiter’s trusted agents within the Walter Harrison Law Library have reportedly seen Eve walking around with a meat cleaver saying, “Don’t run against me or else.” 

This was corroborated with reports of Eve leaving a horse’s head on the law society office’s couch during a prospective candidate’s office hours. 

Eve has also mobilised her gang of cronies, aka the Designs and Communications of 2023, to spread fear among the law student body. They have generated a number of hurtful though admittedly well designed documents that pundits are calling, “Threats By Canva.”

Beyond threats of physical harm, Eve has reportedly threatened to use her considerable artistic skills to draw hurtful caricatures of any potential opponents. 

More to come (if we are not taken out).

Katy Perry ‘Called to Serve’ In Coronation Rendition Of Hot N Cold

Despite not having released any relevant music since 2013, American pop star Katy Perry dazzled audiences at King Charles III’s Coronation concert.

The California Gurl is currently best known for her role as a judge on American Idol.

However, in a royally awkward twist of events, Ed Sheeran filled in as a judge while Katy performed at the Coronation concert, despite saying he was ‘too busy’ to perform himsel.

At the concert, the freshly coronated King was seen bopping along to hits such as ‘I Kissed a Girl’ and ‘Teenage Dream’.

However, there was a notable lack of dancing from the new Queen consort Camilla during ‘The One That Got Away’.

Reportedly, Lorde was absolutely fuming she wasn’t asked to perform her hit song ‘Royals’.

More on this to come.

Hooray! QLD Government Has Solved The Rental Crisis

From 1 July 2023, Queensland landlords will only be allowed to raise rent once per year. Previously, rent increases were permitted every six months.

“Yeah, once per year sounds good,” Premier Palaszczuk reportedly stated. “That’s how often I get my highlights touched up, so I reckon that’s a pretty good metric.”

The Palaszczuk Government stated that these rental increase caps will give a ‘fairer go’ to Queensland renters. 
However, Teneriffe landlord, Samantha Hamilton (54), claims otherwise: “I think it’s pretty unfair for landlords. I’m now going to be forced to postpone my annual Bora-Bora trip until after I’ve increased rent for the year. I won’t be able to afford it while also paying for a course of full-body laser hair removal.”

This announcement follows reports that the Palaszczuk Government was considering putting a cap on the maximum rental increase amount. 

When questioned about this, Palaszczuk simply said: “I never said that and you’re gaslighting me!”

The Obiter could not obtain a comment from any renters, as they were all at work.

Gov Announces They'll Save Great Barrier Reef As April Fools’ Prank

The Hon Tanya Plibersek MP, Minister for the Environment and Water, shocked many in Parliament House this morning, after introducing a bill proposing that the Australian Government actually do something about the Great Barrier Reef crisis.

“We’ve done nothing but sit on our asses for the past three decades,” she said, “the Great Barrier Reef is one of the seven natural wonders of the world, a World Heritage site, and the largest living structure on the planet. It’s time we did something beyond throwing pocket change at it.”

Ms Plibersek then said something about cutting carbon emissions, before bursting out in laughter.

“Happy April Fools’ Day!” yelled Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, inserting himself at the last minute to take credit for his female colleague’s hilarious prank.

“You guys are so gullible,” wheezed Albo, laughing so hard that tears streamed from his eyes, “We’re actually going to spend even more money on nuclear submarines!”

Albo then went on to explain that he loves AUKUS but despises orcas and wishes the ocean was as uninhabitable as possible.

It is alleged that some members of the Upper House are still laughing.

More coral bleaching to come.