Temu Trump Wants To 'Make Plagiarism Great Again'

Educators collectively groan as Dutton demonstrates academic misconduct can get you surprisingly far in life.

This week Opposition Leader Peter Dutton proposed a referendum on deporting all dual citizens convicted of criminal offences in Australia. If you’re feeling a sense of déjà vu, like you’ve heard something like this in the news already this week, you’d be absolutely correct. It’s all part of the prospective PM’s unorthodox, yet apparently very effective new campaign strategy: plagiarism.

 Dutton’s announcement comes not even a week after several similar deportation-centric policies were implemented by US President Donald Trump, making this the latest in a spree of Dutton unashamedly copying Trump’s homework.

From plans to end work-from-home arrangements, to slashing the public service workforce, to baseless claims that DEI policies are to blame for all that’s wrong with the world, Dutton might as well have copied and pasted the Wikipedia page for Trump’s first three months in Office. He’s even suggested an equivalent to Elon Musk’s ‘DoGE,’ which unfortunately for Zillenials evokes not only the usual sense of impending political doom, but also irritating memes of illiterate Shiba Inus.

 In an exclusive interview with The Obiter, Dutton gleefully remarked “Why do the work when you can just copy someone else’s"? In the real world, there’s no Turnitin score or Academic Misconduct allegations to hold you back. Take this as a sign kids, with a little grit, a little determination, and absolutely no moral compass, you too could be a political leader like me!”

 School teachers, university lecturers, and Australian academic authorities alike are at a loss for how to proceed given Dutton’s public promotion of plagiarism. “Honestly what’s left to do at this point?” lamented India Pilly, a high school teacher from Brisbane. “If one of the most powerful men in Australia, potentially our next Prime Minister, is proof that plagiarism is the key to success, what hope do I have convincing Billy from Year 9 not to use Chat GPT to do his History Assignment? Honestly, I don’t get paid enough to care about this shit.”

 This new strategy has seen Dutton dubbed ‘Temu Trump’ which evidently could not be more accurate. After all, he’s a disappointing knock- off, worth a lot less money, and (based on the Liberal Party’s recent record) will be replaced within a matter of months.

Hourlong Conversation with Trump and Vance has Zelensky Yearning for the Frontlines

‘Thank God Elon wasn’t there – there’s only so many dodgy billionaire ****heads I can deal with at once’, Zelensky allegedly muttered.

 You would think that dealing with an invasion by Vladimir Putin: a part-time defenestration enthusiast and full-time power-crazed despot would be the worst experience of Volodymyr Zelensky’s life. Since taking office in 2019, he has been dealing with Russia’s imperialist expansion, which came to a head during a full-scale invasion in 2021. As much as his people have suffered at the hands of the Russian army, Zelensky has hit a new low: spending time with Donald Trump and J.D. Vance. Together.

 The lead-up hasn’t been pleasant – Trump has spent the past 3 years telling everyone about how close he is with Putin (after all: it takes one to know one!). Since assuming office, Trump has told a blatant and repugnant lie about the start of the conflict (and doubled-down by voting against a resolution recognising Russia started the conflict) and has now been trying to steal Ukraine’s natural resources (imperialist habits die hard, don’t they) as part of a peace deal. Wouldn’t it be better to just be turned into the ‘Riviera of Eastern Europe’ or some other batshit crazy Trump idea?

 Against this backdrop, Zelensky had to endure the indignity of shaking hands with America’s favourite rapist, and his potbellied, weird beard sidekick (because, as Australians have seen with Dutton, the only thing worse than Trump is a loser who desperately wants to be like him). He was then subject to a barrage of verbal and personal attacks about such important matters as outfit choice and who ‘holds the cards’ from the most unlikeable double-team since Goebbels and Eichman.

 There was one silver lining: he didn’t have to speak to Elon. ‘he’d probably tell me I needed to fire all my soldiers or some shit’, said Zelensky. ‘I know I don’t have a lot to be thankful for right now, but I am so incredibly grateful that I only have to deal with Trump and Putin’ – anyone else would be way too much.

The Obiter hopes Zelensky is feeling alright. We can’t think of anything worse than being lectured about American imperialism by two glorified, big-toe-looking gruncles. Hopefully no more to come.

Disgraced Prime-Time Radio Presenter Announces “I’m Starting a Podcast”

Days after his swift termination from REDACTED radio station, Farty Smearsilver announces a career shift into podcasting, in a move literally everyone saw coming.

Presenter Farty Smearsilver was axed from his prime-time radio slot on Wednesday, after a completely unprovoked misogynistic tirade aimed at Australia’s beloved women’s football team sparked nationwide outrage and demands for his immediate dismissal. 

After a brief stint in the hospital (believed to have been treating self-inflicted puncture wounds to his genitals), Smearsilver announced a career shift so unsurprising it might well be lifted directly from the ‘Disgraced Public Figure’s Guide to Clinging to an Ounce of Relevancy’: he’s starting his own podcast. 

Smearsilver announced his new podcast “The Farty Smearsilver Show: The Podcast”, a title cleverly aimed at the intelligence level of people who would voluntarily subject themselves to an hour of his stream-of-consciousness musings thrice weekly. As the newest addition to the ‘Shit Bloke Turned Man With A Podcast™ Club’, he joins the likes of Joe Rogan, the Paul brothers, and those indistinguishable moustached and mullet-ed Aussie podcasting duos; men who believe possession of an armchair and a free-standing mic entitles the world to their unsolicited opinions. 

“I think this new format will be perfect for me” remarked Farty. “It’s just like radio except I can say whatever I want with absolutely no repercussions. Plus, there’s no woke DEI intern getting on my case when I accidentally use the occasional swear word or racial slur. Genuinely I can say whatever I want now, look! ****! ******* ****! Mother****ing **** ****!” 

In an effort to drum up publicity for his new show, Smearsilver has teased the topic for his inaugural episode: “Why the exclusion of transgender women is essential to protect the integrity of women’s sport.”

BREAKING: Albo quaking in his boots as Dutton-hopeful takes on Constitutional Law this semester

“Just enrolled in LAWS3700! Watch out, Labor”, announced Benjamin Buttface (Young LNP legend) on Instagram threads this morning.

Reports out of the ACT this morning have described a low-level earthquake at the Lodge. Some paps allege the PM has been found wrapped tightly in bed, shivering - presumably in fear. Still speculative - it seems he's received word that notorious Young Liberal hero, 21 year old Benjamin Buttface has announced a new academic advancement.

Now entitled to bragging rights because he's read the entire Australian Constitution in preparation for the course, the upcoming election will surely be the biggest political takedown since Jake Paul vs Mike Tyson or Donald Trump & Joe Biden.

Buttface's notoriously significant cultural influence on his own demographic (ultra-conservative university students with a deep appreciation for their mounting HECS debt) combined with his newfound political credibility, mean Australia must prepare for a totally epic shakedown in May.

"Fuck you, Anthony. Not even the radical lefties can stop us now!"

(Hopefully no) more to come.

Freedom Of Speech Under Threat With Shocking Obiter Editor-in-Chief Nomination Mystery

A universal human right is under threat after the Obiter’s big dog position 'suspiciously’ receives no nominations, causing many to worry about the future of press freedom in the UQLS. 

The Obiter has long stood as the important fourth estate providing head noise to many after the law ball, it’s impartial UQLS election coverage, and great quality MAFS articles. 

Now the future is looking grim for not only the masthead, but the landscape of press freedom in this country. 

While Renato Costa’s Aussie Law may argue the constitution does not explicitly protect freedom of expression, we believe this country should give more of a damn about the Obiter’s feelings. 

This has caused many to entertain conspiracies about the the Obiter next year. Asking questions such as: 

Is the UQLS trying to censor such an impartial, objective and credible fourth estate? 

Has The Betoota Advocate bought the Obiter?

Is the Obiter collaborating with the UQUTE campus dating show? 

Is this just Elliot Perkins trying to get ahold of deleted 2022 UQ Law Ball videos? 

Has Obiter got too big for it’s own boots? 

#freedomofthepress

Annabelle ‘Cool’: Why Electing Annie Khoo To The Position Of Secretary Would Be Disastrous

We all know how important the position of Secretary of the UQ Law Society is. They are the bedrock of our prestigious institution and ensure the effective implementation of the society’s rules. UQLS Secretary is a serious role designed for boring people - like Beining Zhang - yet Annie clearly loves a drink.

Pictured is Annie studying several alcoholic drink. The only thing she should be studying is the Society’s constitution and how QPAY functions. Someone has to work that cursed app out and it is the Secretary.

Annie has been one of this year’s socials officers. Pretty self-explanatorily cool.

The Obiter has heard reports that Annie is involved in the “Law Revue.” The only laws she should be reviewing is the UQLS by-laws. 

Annabelle Khoo is too cool. The society would fall into disrepair if she were elected to the role.

The Obiter humbly calls for some nerd to run from the floor against her. 

Regards,

A concerned UQLS citizen.


Angharad Beach Enlists Nicki Minaj To Deliver Campaign Anthem As UQLS Deputy Presidential Race Heats Up

“Let’s vote for Ms Beach, Beach, let’s vote for our fave” sings Minaj in a reworked version of her 2012 record ‘Starships’.

As the hotly contested race for Deputy President of the UQLS reaches its final days, candidate Angharad Beach has collaborated with rap superstar Nicki Minaj to re-release the 2012 smash hit Starships in a move pundits are saying could blow the race wide open. Minaj’s hit opens:

“let’s vote for Ms Beach, Beach, let’s vote for our fave,

They say, what they gonna say

Grab a coff, fee and hit the Law Libe

Candidates like her are hard to come by”

Beach lends her voice to the pre-chorus, crooning:

            “hey UQ Law, Law, you’ve got one chance

            Society-y, I will enhance

            So vote some more, more, for Dep-u-ty Pres

            Tillie’s a bore, bore, but here I am”

The Obiter was able to speak to Minaj, who told us that, in fact, it was her who had reached out to Angharad with the idea to work together.

“I’ve just been such a huge fan of her essays and exam answers throughout the years,” said Nicki, “and her work in the 2022 Law Revue was sublime. So, of course, when I saw she was up for such a crucial position, I felt that I had to do whatever I could to get her over the line.”

Many think of the role of Deputy President as somewhat of a symbolic role; this, of course, could not be further from the truth. The Deputy President, like the Secretary and Treasurer, works closely with the President to co-ordinate the Law Society. Most importantly, the Deputy President is ready to step into the President’s shoes in the case of an assassination, a situation which is unfortunately all too common for the Leader of the Free Campus.

Indeed, just this year Deputy President Nyenyezi Murhi spent a week in a bunker for security reasons following an attempt on the life of President Charlotte Traves by a group of radical Sidney Lumet fans after her (admittedly misguided and insensitive) comments that the Law Ball’s theme referred to the 2017 Kenneth Branagh MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS and not Lumet’s 1974 adaptation.

Reports from the Tillie Alleluia camp are that the candidate was blindsided by the song’s release, but has been working the phones tirelessly attempting to get in contact with Leonard Cohen or Jeff Buckley to rework Hallelujah into Alleluia, a campaign anthem of her own.

Affirmative Action Secures Tim Rainbird An Uncontested Bid For UQLS Treasurer

Despite the UQLS’s affliction for matriarchy, general membership relieved to see that treasury will remain managed by the finance bros.

For the last decade, the UQLS has enjoyed an inclusive policy that retains the position of Treasurer exclusively for white men.

While some have critiqued saying things like “why is it seemingly always a white guy who is treasurer,” or “lol seriously this is some bizarre pattern every other leadership role is open to anyone”, we at The Obiter firmly believe in the policy as it gives power to an incredibly marginalised group: white men.

We reached out to Tim for comment.

“I’m really grateful for this affirmative action policy. It really gave me hope as a first year that I could break the glass ceiling using my knowledge of Xero and budgeting. ”

The policy is also protected by the fact that the position of Treasurer is hereditary. The Obiter is excited to see which number crunching white guy Tim will appoint as Finance Officer 2024 - or should we say, who Tim will appoint as Treasurer 2025.

No more to come.