With uni classes now cancelled for the week, 20-year-old share house dwellers are making use of their extra time to hunt and gather the absolute essentials in preparation for Cyclone Alfred.

Emily [20] was spotted scaling the drinks aisle at Coles for the last remaining 4-pack of sugar-free Redbull, putting skills from her weekly rock-climbing classes to good use.

Emily claimed she was “providing for her family” as her girlfriend has moved in with her for the week. Apparently, the thought of being trapped at home with her parents was “almost as unbearable as Adrien Brody’s Oscars speech”.

Her girlfriend was reported close-by in the dairy section, ransacking the Meredith Dairy goat’s cheese, despite earning minimum wage.

“If I’m going to fucking die in a cyclone I deserve to go out with the thing I love the most!” She was not referring to her girlfriend, Emily.

Back at the Queenslander, Emily’s roommate, whose name is coincidentally also Emily, has begun to hoard the portable chargers, gearing up for a black out. “I need my phone charged for the new episode of ‘White Lotus’!” Emily is most worried that she’ll have to actually have to make conversation her roommate if they get flooded in.

Her empty kitchen cupboards and lack of toilet paper also seem to be of no bother to her, compared to the stress that she’s running low on her Olaplex No. 4 shampoo. “Usually, a bottle would last me a month, but since moving in with Emily, they only last three weeks!” Emily suspects foul play. We suspect greasy hair.

Tensions are mounting. Shelves are empty. Cyclones are brewing. Stay tuned for more!