Despite classes only formally starting this week, lecturers all around the university have been going ham on the blackboard notifications. It appears that Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) set by the University seem to equate the frequency of communications by the lecturer with the quality of the course.

There doesn’t necessarily seem to be a correlation between the course content and these communiques either, with some students reporting that their economics professor sent an email titled ‘Remember to floss!’ while another student reported receiving ‘a recipe for pea and ham soup,' from their marketing course coordinator.

‘Jesus, don’t they have anything better to do,’ asks third year student Pierre Nicholson

‘The barrage began in O-Week, I was finishing up my Sail Croatia holiday and suddenly I start getting sent all this shit about pre-readings.’

Mr Nicholson told The Obiter that he has not opened a single one of his 22 Blackboard notifications and might go to a lecture this semester if he is lucky. As far as he is concerned, if lecturers wanted greater engagement with the students they should ‘ease up a bit’ and ‘not act so desperate’.

His Tinder matches implore him to heed his own advice.