A bold marketing tactic has failed to pay off for Cold Rock Ice Creamery today, as their attempt to cash in on a national scandal left customers confused and angered.
Following Cardinal George Pell’s conviction earlier this week on child molestation charges, his barrister described one of Pell’s offences as a ‘plain vanilla sexual penetration case where the child is not actively participating.’ This was in a bold attempt to diminish the gravity of the Cardinal’s crimes, by comparing them to a delicious flavour made of the vanilla bean.
Apparently smelling opportunity, Cold Rock CEO Stan Gordon leapt into action, commissioning the production of a new flavour aimed to perfectly capture the indescribable sense of this ‘plain vanilla sexual penetration.’
‘Here at Cold Rock Ice Creameries, we search for flavour wherever it can be found,’ wrote Gordon in a statement to the media. ‘That’s the promise we make to our yummy customers, and we hope to Cold-Rockin’ stand by that promise.’
‘That’s why, with the help of our scientists in the Creamatorium, we have, for the first time in history, produced a flavour that tastes of a terrible, terrible crime.’
Unfortunately for Gordon and Cold Rock, the flavour has proved unpopular, even in the blazing summer heat, with customers describing it as ‘bizarre,’ ‘offensive,’ and ‘it was a bit weird that the Creamery Artists said they had to watch me lick it.’
Polls showed that only six people nationwide have tried the flavour in its first twenty-four hours, with that number expected to dramatically decrease (although Andrew Bolt has reportedly ordered ten kilos of the concoction for his #FreePell Sunday soiree).
Those who actually tried the flavour were also left unimpressed.
‘The bitter taste of the intergenerational trauma inflicted by child sexual abusers does not make for a good ice cream flavour,’ said local ice cream aficionado, Matthew Cook (20).
‘It’s admittedly impressive they distilled the fear and mental torture inflicted on those who are victims of child sexual abuse into a single flavour, even though it was both disgusting, and went terribly with a Caramello Koala mix-in.’
‘Still better than Liquorice though.’
We hope there’s precious little more to come.