Sarah McKee has had a difficult morning coming to terms with the fact that her loveable goob boyfriend only recognises love in the form of a bit of slob on the knob.

‘I was hoping he would say something like ‘I got words of affirmation’ or ‘receiving gifts’, but it wasn’t anything like that!’ lamented Sarah. ‘I’m pretty sure ‘blowjobs’ wasn’t even an option on the Buzzfeed facebook quiz.’

Brett du Plessis isn’t actually sure what the problem is, or why Sarah has removed his nickname on Facebook messenger and replaced it with the skull emoji.

But Brett will do what any smart boyfriend will do and just ignore the situation and act like it isn’t a problem.

‘I was being honest. She always wants me to tell the truth so that’s what I did. I don’t even know what the problem is. I just like a bit of downstairs action from time to time. In fact, it’s almost a bit anti-feminist of her not to support men expressing their sexuality and emotions in the way they feel most comfortable.’

WW3 to come.