The Obiter loves a heart-warming story. A local piece about a hero or fete or hero at a fete that just puts a smile on your face.
But sometimes, that’s not news folks. Sometimes, news be dark.
Third-year Arts/Law student Tyson de Shaw (21) was already having a tough semester. Taking on an unbeaten four subjects at once, Tyson had been struggling to balance the demands of assessment and his job at City Beach, where shifts were coming in twos, threes, and even fours each month.
Tyson was not in the headspace to take another blow. And then it arrived.
Over the course of this semester, academic records leaked to The Obiter reveal, Tyson has lost no less than five grandmothers.
Many of us will only ever lose, at most, two grandmothers in our lives, or one if we’re lucky. But Tyson has experienced the worst loss imaginable to a person multiplied by 2.5. Losing five grandmothers in one semester is a pain to be unbearable to comprehend.
And the worst part? All five deaths coincided with the major assessment peaks of semester. Yep, you read that right. What did Tyson do in a past life to deserve this fate? Engineer a genocide? Plan 9/11? Write for Brooklyn Nine-Nine?
During the mid-semester break, when most students were ploughing through essays, Tyson was forced to ask for two extensions when the first two grandmamas ate shit in regards to living.
Then, after attending both funerals at Event Cinemas, Tyson attempted to rebuild his life and get his study back on track in time for exams. No can do, said Madame Fate.
Week 13 rolled around and Tyson was slapped across the dick a second time by reality: three more grandmothers had been cordially invited to stop being alive. Hell hath opened up and swallowed our Tyson, for it is where he now resides.
Thankfully, UQ were able to grant Tyson extensions for his assessment; a measly silver lining to an otherwise grandma-less existence.
The only person hurting more than Tyson is his Grandpa Brigham, who lost five wives. The family are reportedly leaning on their Mormon faith more than ever throughout this hard time.
More to come (both grandmothers, and news).