Michael Jones (24), a sixth-year Politics student who has taken longer to complete his degree than the fifth level of Bioshock (I don’t play video games), rates himself as being pretty aware of current events. Whether it’s US politics, COVID news, or the endless stream of pop culture developments that fills the gaping existential void of emptiness, he’s pretty on the ball.

But poor Michael has forgotten that this is 2020, where each hour draws headlines about JK Rowling’s latest transphobic rant, the cost of the PS5, the Oxford vaccine trials resuming, and something about the Broncos winning the wooden spoon.

And Michael has just committed the cardinal sin of being an engaged young person: he stopped paying attention to the news for two hours.

Fucking idiot.

As he put his plane on Airplane Mode to soak up two lectures that are stupidly attached as audio files to PowerPoint slides so students can’t speed them up, Michael got thoroughly stuck into his work, assuming that the world would keep turning.

A cretin. A sickening cretin.

As he turned off Airplane Mode, group chats were aflame with fresh takes, exhausting sharing of headlines, and fresh tales of Trump’s latest act of hypocrisy - ‘this’ll be the one that finally gets him!’

For Michael, this mistake will never be repeated. Because we’ve just hired a team to assassinate him.

No more to come.