In Eagle Street offices everywhere, junior lawyers and bankers are being rewarded for their sacrifices by their corporate overlords.
Despite only surviving on 4 to 5 hours of sleep per night and working 70 hour weeks, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed junior associates are relieved to finally see the fruits of their labour, arriving in front of them in the hallowed shape of a Woolworths mud cake.
Even after only being paid the equivalent of $13.70 an hour, Mikayla Harris (24) and her colleagues report that they’re so grateful for the partner’s generosity after he painstakingly organised the delivery of such a difficult to find, and expensive, delicacy.
‘Hey it’s the least I can do for them, you know?’ reported M&A partner, Tim Swanson.
‘We really care about mental health here at [REDACTED]. We let staff do yoga sometimes to help them de-stress from their busy corporate schedules. And hey, at our Sydney office, we’re sometimes cool with you going to the gym on your lunch hour!’
HR officer, Sarah Ford, also noted the unbridled generosity of Swanson and decided this was a perfect time to whip out her phone to capture some perfectly candid moments for [REDACTED]’s LinkedIn page like she was fucking Mary Antoinette.
Mikayla, a first-year grad with a sense of relentless optimism that will soon be crushed by the cold realisation she’s wasting away the greatest years of her youth, spending three hours a day ruminating on the pros and cons of ‘hotdesking,’ is pretty stoked about the cake, to be fair.
Amid the tears and breakdowns, the soothing flavours of chocolate and chocolate work particularly well with the budget napkins and plastic forks upon which they are served. However, The Obiter is hearing reports that uniquely nefarious firms have switched out the Woolies mud cake to a gluten-free carrot cake option from Nodo.
Are they trying to fucking kill us?
No more to slum.