Applying his keen analytical mind, sharp critical instincts, and irrepressible virgin energy, local Jessup mooter, Thomas McWilliamstone (22) has drafted a comprehensive series of submissions to, bizarrely, the International Criminal Court, outlining his detailed argument in favour of ‘me receiving a handjob at some point, thanks.’

Thomas, whilst a well-meaning fellow, has a view of sexual politics about as out-of-touch as his view of actual politics.

Viewing ‘a handjob’ as his Medicare-For-All, he is currently feverishly drafting the sixth limb of his central argument: that there is a precedent established by the fact he’s ‘definitely kissed a girl,’ and as a consequence of that precedent, he is of the understanding that ‘a nice handjob should be right around the corner.’

Whilst Jessup coach Henry Rushdie (25) has been known to speak highly of Thomas’ various idiosyncrasies, this latest effort may be the last straw.

‘I mean, we’ve all done it,’ said Henry in a shocking revelation that we honestly weren’t really expecting. ‘We’ve all made formal submissions in favour of having sex, but the way he’s drafted it is actually pretty shaky.’

Wow. This story has grown bigger than we ever could have imagined. And after closer analysis of Thomas’ submissions, it appears his coach is correct. Whilst human rights leaders Nelson Mandela and Mahatma Gandhi probably said at a certain point in their lives that ‘physical enjoyment of life is important,’ it’s fairly irresponsible to quote them as a central piece of one’s argument in favour of receiving sexual favours.

Strange man. We’ll continue to explore this story as it rapidly develops, although we hope it really, really doesn’t.

Plenty more to chum.