‘I might need it one day, when I remix Tame’s latest single,’ said the man who earnestly struggled with ‘Ode to Joy’ on the recorder in Year 3.
Chip McCoy (19), a local Commerce/Science student whose real name is actually David Westfield, is a man completely and utterly devoid of any musical talent that could possibly be discerned, to the naked eye or otherwise.
A childhood fan of Eminem and an adult fan of Sticky Fingers, the tides of popularity drive his musical taste, although his conviction that Dua Lipa is ‘still underrated, I reckon, lads’ is vaguely of note, if only for the fact that close analysis of his musical library means he doesn’t listen to Dua Lipa, but equally careful analysis of his saved Instagram videos indicates he stares at pictures of her far more than can be considered healthy, let alone legal.
Nevertheless, Chip, or ‘David’ to everyone who has some self-respect and doesn’t want to call a grown man Chip, is utterly, unshakably convinced that one day, he will need the popular beginner music production app, GarageBand.
‘Yeah, I don’t know, it’s like, what if one day some chords just come to me. Like I came up with my own chords, and then some lyrics happened. It would be like I’m Freddie Mercury, asking myself ‘what’s the lyric, Fred?’ Imagine that. It could happen,’ said David in a spittle-flecked rant reminiscent of the fiery tirades delivered by Rhodesian leaders of old.
In spite of the serious amount of storage space GarageBand takes up on his 2011 MacBook Air, he is immovable in this opinion, believing that his ticket out of a dull consultancy gig at KPMG, and his ticket into the cocaine-fuelled, sexually-harassing life of a rockstar, is the fated application made by Apple which he is finding so difficult to delete.
Funnily enough, if all he wanted was cocaine-fuelled sexual harassment, he could do a heck of a lot worse than a consultancy gig at KMPG.
The Obiter will keep an eye on this young man and the rapidly developing story around him, but for now, for all of those who harbour musical aspirations, remember this: if a bunch of dudes from Sydney who dress like shit and steal musical influences can headline Splendour, so can you.
And the fact that in the above sentence we could be talking about any one of Sticky Fingers, DMA’s, Hockey Dad, Ocean Alley, or any one of the other Triple J darlings who will be forgotten in four years, and you would have no idea which specific one we meant, is profoundly entertaining.
Je suis GarageBand. No more to slum.