Fresh-faced, chirpy Commerce student James Collins (18) is struggling to come to grips with the fact that his new career, ‘Customer Assistant’ at Dan Murphy’s, isn’t quite what he thought it’d be.

Collins claims that he has dreamt of working at a bottle-o ever since he took his first sip of Goon and Coke at his mates house at 9am on a Tuesday during the Year 10 school holidays. But unfortunately for Collins, the job hasn’t lived up to expectations.

“Problem numero uno,” stated James, in an exclusive pow-wow with The Obiter. “No employee discount.”

“That’s like half the reason I applied to every bottle-o within a 15km radius of my house - that, and Mum threatened to take my vape if I didn’t start bringing in the dosh.”

The budding scholar hoped that his newfound employment status would boost his income and catapult him into the same social strata as the kids at school who were punching darts in Year 11. However, it seems that his job mostly consists of stocking shelves and telling alcoholics where the Double Black Guaranas are, a fact that apparently everyone else was keenly aware of.

Speaking to The Obiter, Collins was visibly upset, reviling the Dan Murphy’s management who refuse to call him anything but ‘little fella’, and he later eupted into a lengthy diatribe about the lack of Little Fat Lamb stock.

Not all is lost for Collins, however. The young man has reportedly spent every Saturday night since he turned 18 in the upstairs area of the Woolly Mammoth, where he claims he has gotten “…real tight with some chick. Might have to give her 10% off! Ha ha nah but I don’t get a discount so that can’t happen.”