Fascinating news coming out of the St Lucia campus today, as a man plays out his internal struggles between hating American traditions and loving American politics.

‘Ugh, Halloween is just so Americanized. So capitalist. We don’t need to inherit that bullshit, we’re our own country,’ stated David Saunders (18), a first-year Political Science student with seven Twitter followers, as his eyes remained glued to the CNN livestream on his laptop.

We spotted David in the Law Library, ostensibly studying for his POLS1301 exam later this week. But after closer examination at his laptop screen, it seemed he had nineteen different tabs open, all reporting on the state of the US midterm elections.

Hot takes from The New York Times, The Guardian, The Washington Post, Vox, Crooked Media, and Nate Silver’s Twitter have been all David can look at today, despite the fact he relentlessly dismisses Halloween as a ‘foolish American tradition’ that only ‘lazy Australians’ care about.

It was only last week when he claimed he was ‘happy’ he hadn’t been invited to any Halloween parties, seeing as they are a ‘shithouse tradition.’ Indeed, when a friend of his even dared suggest he should put out a bowl of Caramello Koals for any children who should walk by, he scoffed and stated he would ‘not be complicit in this country’s obesity crisis. Not now, not ever!’

It looks like David probably won’t address this hypocrisy, and spend the rest of the day rampantly obsessed with the minutiae of why Beto’s message failed in Waller County, and whether it was a mistake for Joe Donnelly to vote against Brett Kavanaugh.

Good luck, David.