That’s it. They’re dead. That’s the article.

A first year Pol-Sci nerd has been found dead after her classmate claimed physics is “kinda fun” (WTF).

For most, the first day of university is the start of the rest of your life. You go to your first class, engage in icebreakers, and meet the people you will call your best friends for the next 5 years. For Stella Smith, 18, it ended in tragedy.

Everything started off well. Foundations of Law seminar leader, Beremy Jentham, pointed around the classroom, asking each terrified student to identify their name, hometown, and degree. Alongside the usual bunch of neoliberal economics wankers and literal Western Civ neo-Nazis, Stella was pleased to find that her basic law/arts degree majoring in political science was copied by about 150% of the cohort.

All was well, that was, until one absolute gigachad, namely Norm Aldistrubution, volunteered that he was studying Law/Science majoring in quantum megaphysics and the biochemistry of being a freaking legend.

For Stella, who shamefully took methods and chemistry in year 12 but only ‘for the scaling’, it was too much. Having sworn off STEM subjects as soon as she finished externals, she spontaneously combusted right there.

Stella, who once claimed that “no one in their right mind would study maths at uni”, was a frequent car user who drove on bridges and in tunnels, visited a doctor when unwell and was addicted to her phone.

“Umm, yeah, look I think it diversifies my skillset pretty well,” Norm claimed in an exclusive interview with the Obiter, “very few people in society understand the law, and even fewer are literate in statistics, so to be in that intersection makes me interesting and valuable to employers.”

He is reportedly being charged with one count of actually having employment prospects if law doesn’t work out and faces a lifetime sentence of societal under-appreciation.

More to come. (But not from Stella).