By all accounts, Rob Jones and Ellie Hart are the perfect couple. By all accounts except Rob’s, that is.

While the serial monogamist has no particular qualms with his girlfriend as a person, he is well aware that their relationship is purely circumstantial - the circumstance being that Rob is horny as fuck. Knowing that the relationship will be short-lived, Mr Jones has refused to bestow the title of ‘girlfriend’ upon Ms Hart, opting instead to refer to her as his ‘current girlfriend’ or, occasionally, his ‘current squeeze’.

‘I know it’s not really going anywhere, but I still care about her though, in a way’ reasoned Mr Jones to a crowded room of journalists, who all proceeded to simultaneously inhale through their teeth.

‘Look, if there’s one thing I pride myself on, it’s honesty’ said Mr Jones.

‘And so I don’t want to mislead people into thinking she’s the one or anything’

When asked whether he had told Ms Hart of his understanding of their relationship, Mr Copley declined to comment.

No more to come.