Lame Virgin Malcolm Turnbull Bans Sex.

Prime Minister of Australia and absolute nerd, Malcolm Turnbull, has sent shockwaves through Australia with his 'sex ban.' Despite publicly claiming the 'sex ban' isn't actually a ban on sex for every Australian, it has been reported that Malcolm's hidden agenda is to ensure all sex is discontinued in Australia. Leaked cabinet files indicate Malcolm suggesting '...if I can't have it, no-one can have it!'

When The Obiter interviewed Malcolm, asking whether he knows just how cool sex is, he responded with the dubious claim 'I've had plenty of the sex. It's awesome. I just think it should be banned.' This is the sort of response only a lame, loser virgin would give.

Similarly, on Q&A this week, a brave audience member quietly asked '...lame loser virgin says what?' By responding with 'what,' Malcolm has confirmed to Australia that he is, in fact, a lame loser virgin. Of course he'd ban sex. By 11pm on that particular Monday evening, the Twitter hashtag "#MalcomIsABigOldNerd" was climbing to the top of the trending pages, indicating enormous public awareness.

An anonymous spokesperson from the ALP has suggested that, in order to strengthen electoral support, Bill Shorten will position himself as "Mr. Sex" in upcoming election campaigns, with potential slogans including "Shorten In Shorts - Sounds Sexy," and "Of Course He's A Ten, It's In His Last Name!"