We’ve all suffered from chronic back pain at one point in our lives. The soreness in the spine, the stiffness in the mornings, and the constant sense that you’re only ever one Nurofen away from a complete breakdown.
But what most people struggle to understand is that there are only two things which can cause chronic back pain - carrying the team, or trying to suck your own dick.
They both place slightly different stresses on the spine, as we learnt in consultation with our local physio, a man who has a slightly inflated sense of his own importance (to paraphrase a former Prime Minister, ‘no-one ever survived a heart attack because they had their quads massaged’).
‘Well, carrying the weight of the team upon your shoulders places a unique downward pressure on your upper vertebrae, leading to chronic pain and also a great sense of pride, knowing you’ve carried the team when you had to,’ said Dr Brian Grant AO (The Obiter’s physio).
‘Whereas you curve your spine and put a unique stress on it trying to suck your own dick.’
Dr Grant recommended against the controversial rib-removal procedure for those trying to perform fellatio on themselves, but what does he know - he hasn’t heard of my brother’s friend’s cousin who swears he did it, 100%.
There is certainly an interesting gendered aspect to this discovery, as cisgendered women are unable to fall victim to the second cause of chronic back pain - leading to the implication that all back pain suffered by women is as a consequence of their ability to carry the team.
Which is, admittedly, not all that surprising. Plibersek’s been carrying the ALP for years. The Veronicas have been carrying Australia’s contribution to gay anthems. Angela Merkel’s been carrying a gentle balance of nationalism and commitment to multiculturalism.
But for all of us frickin’ fellas who have stretched-out spines from trying to pleasure our phalluses (or phalli?), know that hope isn’t around the corner, and professional help should be sought.
But not from Dr Grant, he says he ‘doesn’t do that any more.’
No more to come, in any way shape or form.