Oohf! Things aren’t looking too crash-hot for local Subway sandwich artist, and part-time graphic design student, Aaron Woods (21), as his ‘life-changing’ trip to Europe has ensured he’s brought home more than just treasured memories of being passed out in the streets of Budapesht.

While Aaron will tell anyone who listens that his three week holiday in Europe ‘completely, utterly, and undoubtedly’ changed his life, sources close to the pathetic unwashed gremlin of a man have revealed that he’s most likely referring to the incredibly rare case of ‘super-chlamydia’ that he is bringing to Australia’s shores.

The STI, miraculously contracted by a man who has the sexual potency and attractiveness of a bunch of unwashed, seedless grapes, came across Aaron’s bloodstream after a midnight hostel dalliance with a woman who bore more than a passing resemblance to Avril Lavigne’s lesser-known sister, Celine Lavigne.

But the drug-resistant infection, doomed to rot away at Aaron’s genitals, is at the very least a proud reminder of a crazy three weeks abroad, which will be the main happy memory he holds onto for his next few years in his soul-crushing graphic design career.

At least he has a creative outlet, as a post-modern Subway sandwich artist, but only time will tell whether the bigwigs up at Big Subway have a problem with an infection-ridden enfant terrible being responsible for the production of a yummy veggie delight roll.

With two cookies thanks!

The only question we have left to ask is: given the form he’s in, should Ash Taylor be anywhere $800k/season? You let us know via carrier pigeon.

No more to come.