In an attempt to make 23-year-old single woman, Anna Starke, feel better about her crippling loneliness, her geriatric grandmother has revealed that she is pretty ignorant to the plight of our oceans.

The age-old saying that ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’ may have run its course, now that human greed has ruined an ecosystem covering 70% of the planet.

‘Don’t worry dear, I’m sure there’s one out there for you, there are eight billion people in the world, after all!’ reassured Grandma Starke, despite funding her retirement with dividends from large investments in unsustainable fisheries.

Estimates show that between 970 - 2700 billion fish are caught around the globe annually. If only Patricia Starke realized that with every fish oil tablet she took there was a dramatic decrease in the likelihood of her daughter finding love. In fact, some scientists argue that the oceans will run out of fish by 2048 which spells disaster for an entire generation of singles.

‘It’s pretty cooked,’ stated Anna, insightfully.

‘When you take out all of the fish, you’re just left with whales and prawns.’

And that’s not to mention the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, which lies halfway between Hawaii and California.

This veritable island of trash, not to be confused with Ipswich (bazingolator), is estimated to be the size of North America, and is a lasting reminder of humanity’s filth. The Obiter was unable to fund an investigative trip to determine whether suitable fish could be found underneath trash island, although we did go to Retro’s and the answer is no.

‘I don’t really want to go fishing anymore’, decided Anna.

‘My friend Connor went out fishing every weekend but only ever caught crabs.’

Like the STI! Got him. More to come.