A local Gordon Ramsay-esque genius home chef has broken the culinary world wide open today, as he continually seeks new innovations for creating the most humble of dishes: pasta.
Whilst most cooks are well-aware that adding starchy, salty pasta water to the pasta sauce greatly assists in sauce cohesion and fat emulsification, Bronson Hayes (24) has decided to just cut-out the middleman and drink that shit straight from the pot.
The thought came to him as he was slaving away over a beef ragu for the fourth time this week, which is really just a fancy word for ‘spag bol.’
As he delicately ground his own black peppercorns in a mortar-and-pestle, before salting the pasta water, a Eureka moment struck him as if it was a bolt of crushed garlic in the middle of a non-traditional spaghetti alla carbonara.
‘I knew it was genius straightaway,’ he informed The Obiter afterwards via email, with his powers of speech no longer possible for reasons which will become obvious.
‘I decided that I shouldn’t bother delicately combining every little element in one little sexy baby saucepan,’ he continued, switching to LinkedIn messages, bizarrely.
‘So when the pasta was ready, I combined it with my rich beef ragu (again: it’s just bolognese), grabbed my favourite Cowboys 2015 Premiers mug, and just drank that shit straight from the saucepan.’
Whilst the delicate application of olive oil and salt to the pasta water before boiling certainly enhanced the flavour, and the cloudy presence of starch emboldened Bronson’s choice, the sensation of scaldingly hot water making its way down his gullet soon put the quality of the idea to rest.
Or so we thought.
For a man who literally can’t speak any more, he seems pretty chuffed with his decision. ‘Would I do it again? Absolutely, mate. The sauce combined and emulsified in my stomach. I felt like a literal King,’ he Snapchatted us, making this the third form of media communication over the course of the interview.
No more to come from this distinctly odd unit driven mad by Jerry Krause’s fucked-up eye.