Urinal Chat With Boss Objectively Awkward

“Hey David, do you mind if we continue this conversation later? I literally have my penis in my hands.”

“Hey Tommy, how’s it going?” Uh oh, my boss David has just pulled up two urinals down.

“Oh hi David, yeah good thanks.”

My stream weakens and thoughts flood my head. Why is this bloke talking to me know? Can’t he give me a moment of peace? Will he think I’m less of a man because my stream just weakened?

“How’s it going with the Trenton due diligence?”

You mean the reason why I’ve had three coffees, two cokes and a Powerade, bro? The reason why I’m here for my fourth piss, bro? You think it’s going well, bro?

“It’s going pretty well, David. I should have it to you by COB today.”

“Awesome, thanks Tommy. Did you watch the Olympic cycling?”

Out of sheer protest to this prison of a conversation, my stream strengthens.

“Great race” David farts.

“Yeah for sure.”

I finally hear the zipper that signals my freedom.

“Anyway, see you later Tommy.”

“Bye David.”

I pull out my phone and watch my 37th Instagram reel of the day to wipe the memory of this interaction from my frontal lobe.

Hopefully no more to come.

Mother’s Day Clearly An Excuse To Post A Cute Pic of Yourself

It’s that time of the year again - a day to celebrate and honour the incredible influence mothers have on society and also a great time to post that really great photo of yourself you’ve been wanting to post for a while but haven’t found the perfect excuse for. 

Blocking up Instagram stories, some sons and daughters have even dug deep into the archives, finding grainy candid, and cute photos from their childhood. 

Jacob, a 22-year-old recently single student, has suspiciously posted not only one but three childhood photos on Instagram. Most close friends suspect this all part of a tactic to show potential partners that not only is he a mummy’s boy but also was a cute kid with great genetics. 

Some daughters have used today to post photos of them and their mums in matching outfits - a great chance to show followers that in 30 years she’ll still look pretty good. 

Others have definitely not cleared photos with their mum before posting, with photos circulating of mums barely with their eyes open or awkwardly cropped from the photo making up 10% of the image.

BREAKING NEWS: Obiter Comedy Debate Team Might Actually Know How To Debate

With QDU champions in the line up The Obiter might be taking this too seriously 

Having a team that actually knows how to debate has left the Obiter in a position it has never been before. 

The Obiter can confirm the lineup of the comedy debate this year includes names from the QDU hall of fame

Including, but not limited to:

• Harry Rae (current debating coach, former school debating captain)

• Angus White (did debate quite a bit in high school) 

• Georgia Perry (really smart so probably did debate a bit in grade 9 just guessing) 

In the biggest debate of their career, watch these powerhouses do what they do best. Before most of them retire.

Disclaimer: in the interest of sportsmanship we will inebriate them appropriately to allow a level playing field

UQ Statue Reportedly Moggs Great Court

A startling discovery has been made recently – a statue above the Steele building in the Great Court appears to be mogging. The first person to realise they were being mogged by the sandstone façade was a chemistry student on their way to class – they have requested to remain anonymous but have received on-going counselling as a result of the experience.

Mogging, and the associated action of mewing, is part of the looksmaxxing trend popularised by TikTok - where participants attempt to appear more masculine through bizarre means. Originally, looksmaxxing was thought to trace it origins back to 2014, coinciding with the early 2010s emergence of incel culture, but this new discovery dates it to at least 1939.

‘It’s honestly amazing’, claims Roger Bates (24), a computer science student known as @chadmaster_bates on 4-Chan. ‘To know that mewing, and even looksmaxxing as a whole, is potentially an ancient art is well… well it just really makes me feel connected with my ancestors, you know? With that long line of white men that history has forgotten. It’s gratifying to finally be recognised.’

Bates is currently organising a mass solidarity mogging event below the statue and has even proposed a plan involving ladders to bone-smash it.

‘I mean the mewing is obviously helping – that statue has an absolutely chiselled jawline, and he already has those Steeley-grey hunter eyes – but to really make his looks rock-solid, we need to bone-smash a little and maximise those facial gains.’

Bates’ fellow looksmaxxing enthusiasts are currently trying to find a UQ statue that is jelqing to help destigmatise the practice.

The Obiter hopes there is no more to come.

First Year Student Suffers Heatstroke While Attempting To Use UQ Maps

In an effort to find the ever elusive (and definitely haunted) Hartley Teakle building, a local 3rd year student has begrudgingly downloaded UQ maps for the first time this morning.

But much to her dismay, the app seems to be possessed with the spirits of the building; guiding her away. 

“Where the hell is room X Æ A-Xii?,” asked Bella in an interview with the Obiter.

The Obiter cannot confirm whether this is the name of Elon Musk and Grimes’ first child, or a room located in the UQ dungeons. 

Another student has been reported to have passed out from heat exhaustion after traversing the campus using UQ maps.

Sources say a crane will need to be used to pick up the student, given he fell onto his massive backpack and can’t roll himself over.

Stay safe out there.

Ex-Partner in Your Seminar? A How-to Guide

We’ve all been there – you’ve just started listening to ‘Stick Season’ by Noah Kahan without turning into an emotional wreck when BAM, you walk into your first seminar for the semester and are greeted by the very person you swore to never see again… your ex-partner. 

How do you approach this awkward and painful scenario? Here are a few general tips and tricks to help you along the way….

1) Do not sit near them. If you sit near them, they will attempt to talk to you, and that freshly healed wound will rip right open again. Do not sit in their general proximity either, as they’ll attempt to speak just loud enough for you to hear all about their skiing holiday in Japan which you were meant to go on. 

2) When the seminar break commences, get out of that room as fast as you can. Go to the bathroom and count down the minutes. If your former partner is the same sex as you, it is recommended you lock yourself in a cubicle just to be safe. DO NOT re-enter the seminar room until the break is over. Your ex-partner will be watching the door like a hawk, waiting for an opportunity to pounce. Don’t give them the satisfaction - wait until the break is over to re-enter the room. 

3) Now we must prepare for the worst. There’s a small chance they will approach you after the seminar and introduce you to their new partner. You can avoid this by sitting next to the door and exiting as soon as the seminar leader goes to say ‘thanks for attending’.

If you get trapped near the front, this encounter could go one of two ways. The new partner will either be twice the person you were and, yep you guessed it, you’ll be crying to ‘Stick Season’ on the bus ride home; or you’ll discover your former partner settled for the first person they met on Hinge, and you’ll happily be singing ‘Haven’t Met You Yet’ by Michael Buble on the bus ride home.

UQLS Book Club Discusses ‘Shane Warne Autobiography’ To Stick To Suri Cup Theme

Sunday 3rd March sees a clash of the two biggest UQLS events on the calendar - the launch of the UQLS Book Club and the Suri Cup. 

The Obiter can reveal this has left exactly two people who fall into the category of both cricket and novel lovers, in a complete pickle. 

Thankfully, in a clever attempt to cater to this audience and stick to the theme of the Suri cup, the UQLS Book Club has just announced this week’s meeting will focus on a discussion of the ‘Shane Warne Autobiography’. 

If they have enough time, the meeting will also discuss ‘The Complete Matthew Hayden Cookbook’ and ‘Howzat: the history of cricket jargon’. One member of the Book Club event suggested the group reads Adam Gilchrist’s autobiography ‘Walking To Victory’ in an attempt inspire the book club’s athletic capabilities.

The organisers of the Suri Cup have responded to this clash by innovatively replacing ‘tea time’ to ‘reading time’, a chance for the players to have 10 minutes of ‘quiet individual reading time’ during the match. 

If the clash of these two events are successful, the UQLS is looking to organise more event ‘collaborations’. 

One idea was hosting the social touch footy grand final at the venue of the law ball in an attempt to garner a greater audience. 

There are also talks of hosting four-hour-long networking drinks at the first years camp to gently ease the first years into the legal industry. 

More to come this Sunday. 

Law Cricket Captain Athanasellis Discovered To Be Direct Descendant Of Zeus

Natural leader, good looks, and sporty? Must be his genetics.

Following a shock DNA test, Dan Athanasellis, Law Cricket Captain 2024, has been discovered to be a direct descendant of Zeus "The Olympian" Athanasellis, famed captain of the Spartan Olympic team at the 260BC Olympics (not to be confused with Zeus, the Olympian God). 

Indeed, as the first son of a first son, stretching back to Zeus himself, is it any wonder that Athanasellis is at home facing down his foe, bat in hand? Known to reduce fastbowlers to tears with his electric bat, Athanasellis seems the perfect fit for the captaincy. 

Due to his hatred of the Lawbry and attending class in general, tracking the man down for an interview proved challenging. However, the Obiter was finally able to locate Athanasellis at Souvlaki Hut Nundah, near his local cricket nets.

"OPA!" 

A plate flew past your correspondents head.

"You get sunburnt on the way in? Finally leave the Lawbry?" He joked, his bronze skin reflecting the fluorescent glow of the ceiling lights. 

Inquiring about what drove him to both Law and Cricket, the Obiter received a stunning reply.

"Yeah they actually sort of go together. So on a family holiday back to the mother country, we went to this place called Delphi, yeah? And there was this chick that lived there ages ago that told the future and stuff, and I swear to God I heard this spooky voice tell me: 'you are going to captain Law in the Suri Ratnapala Cup'." 

Intrigued, your correspondent pressed for more.

"Yeah, well it turns out Dad was just taking the piss, but the dream has stuck with me since. And the Ancestry reveal was pretty cool, I feel it’s sorta in my blood to compete at this elite level of Cricket."

"Anyway, grab a Lamb Yiros and a bottle of ouzo, let’s have a yarn."

Greatness to come.

Spectator Rocks Up To Suri Cup In A Suit Keen On Getting A Chambers Job

“It’s really another networking event isn’t it? Need to make the most of the law school opportunities!” 

Heads have turned as an ambitious second-year-student has braved the 35 degree heat and worn his Sunday best to the annual professionals v students cricket match. 

Despite knowing absolutely nothing about the sport and showing no interest in learning, this LinkedIn warrior has confirmed he is instead interested in landing a new law job. 

“Got to seize every opportunity to stand out in the competitive job market bro,” said the law student who currently works for himself tutoring two students a week. 

 The optimistic second year was seen lingering around the professional’s bench, handing out his CV and cover letter to the barristers. 

“I thought he was giving out score cards or some shit, and then he asked who my favourite High Court judge was” said one KC. 

“I’m more impressed by that Angus White guy, the bloke is batting like Matty Hayden,” said another barrister when asked about whether he’d hire the tuxedoed networking beast. 

At the end of the match, the law student was seen running on the pitch to shake the hands of every barrister

“I’m just trying to keep it professional”

Although the student hasn’t received a job offer yet, he has told the Obiter the professionals did show signs of interest, as they kept asking ‘how’s that’ when he spoke to them. 

There is currently no developments on his chambers job.

Swiftie Applies For Extension On Seminar Exercise Claiming Family Commitments

A Swiftie that ‘controversially’ attended three of Taylor Swift’s Sydney shows, applied for an extension on her property law seminar exercise due on Wednesday. 

In her application she said that she could not complete her seminar exercise on time due to family commitments—Taylor is mother. 

She plans to go to her GP to get a doctor’s certificate for mental health reasons. She also claims to be suffering from post-Taylor-depression. 

The Swiftie is hoping that her application is approved because she does not want to start the semester off on a bad foot. Nevertheless, it probably will be denied, causing her post-Taylor-depression to spiral even further. 

Rumours have it even Taylor Swift herself applied for an extension on her new album release using the excuse she was performing all year, although she too was denied. 

This gives little hope to our resident Swiftie, who is now considering dropping out of law and becoming a full-time groupie.