“We are running out of time, god darn it,” Queensland conservative Peter Dutton was heard screaming as he sprinted through the halls of Parliament House this afternoon.
Dutton, a contender to become Australia’s seventh Prime Minister in 11 years, has warned his colleagues that a “dark and terrible” plague shall descend upon Canberra if he is not awarded the confidence of his party by sundown.
“I have it on good authority that several fleets of Ozone boats, carrying nothing less than swarms of naughty African gangs, are headed for the capital,” Dutton told the press in a media address earlier today.
“I believe I am the only man who can ward off the carnage and tomfoolery that will no doubt arise if these left-leaning werewolves are to reach the Parliament.”
No major news sources have managed to validate Mr Dutton’s claims. The current Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull dismissed the chatter as “unfounded.”
“What even is an Ozone boat?” Turnbull reportedly asked his remaining allies.
“And what does Dutton mean when he says these gangs are like plebiscites with legs?”
Despite doubt, Mr Dutton’s warnings have caused furore within the epicentre of federal politics. At press time, citizens of Canberra were seen fleeing their homes, clutching boxes packed with their belongings as they scrambled to leave the city before the “Village People of Somalian death” reached their doorsteps.
Mr Dutton was last seen wearing a plate of armour whilst hanging from the pole atop Parliament.
“These are not the good South African farmers,” he bellowed across the land. “These are the Labor-voting, wage-rising, tax-raising, gun-toting, spear-throwing, bloodsucking goblin folk that I warned of for many moons!”
More to come.