Finally, the calendar industry has conquered the most competitive market of all. In a field dominated by Ralph Lauren and expensive criminal lawyers, the humble calendar has finally found its niche among an extremely desirable group (from a marketing perspective): opportunistic, privileged young rapists.

These young men have spent many years searching for surefire ways to plead their innocence if ever forced to confront their crimes (which, let’s face it, they’re unlikely to ever have to). And now, with the Brett Kavanaugh method, also known as the Kavanaugh Gambit, the Bretty Scheme, or the ‘Beach Week’ defence, young criminals know exactly how they can cover up their crimes.

It’s foolproof! All it takes is not writing ‘commit horrific, misogynistic acts of sexual violence’ in their calendar, and they’ll be able to get off scot-free.

We hit the streets to have the finger on the pulse of perpetrators of sexual assault. As easy as this calendar system is, however, some of them have raised concerns.

‘I really do like to schedule whenever I take advantage of intoxicated women,’ stated Robert Huntington-Smythe (22), a Law student and opportunistic sexual predator.

‘Whilst I see the benefits of lying in a calendar, you also risk losing the organisational prowess that is so widely-respected in the sexual predator community.’

There you have it! The calendar system has been thrown into some doubt, much like Kavanaugh’s confirmation itself.

Who would have thought?