Let me walk you through Michael Blates’ (17) first day of uni.

After giving three accidental lap dances while bouncing around like a pinball at the back of the UQ 412 bus, before pitifully failing to block a mature-age student from cutting into the main runway of the bus upon their arrival at Chancellor’s Place, Michael jumped onto the luscious pavement of the University of Queensland ready to hit the next chapter of his goobery life.

He first class of the day was an ECON1010 tutorial where, foreshadowing the events at lunch time, Michael had the boldness and conviction to learn the first name and degree of each of the four other great characters at his table. He’ll be sure to remember that for next week.

He then moved on to an ACCT1101 lecture, where the course co-ordinator, reminiscent of one of his mum’s book club friends that gives him a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek at every encounter, opened proceedings by appealing to the sensibilities of the modern youth with a cat me-me that her aunt had sent to her on the whatsapp. She then proceeded to fumble her way through operating the projector while repeating the reassuring line of “hmmmm it was working this morning”, and spent the next 25 minutes detailing the email addresses and office locations of all 18 tutors.

But by far the most goobery event of the day was where he caught the eyes of Sarah Lime (17), and with even more courage then he’d demonstrated that morning, completely ignored her existence. Good for you Michael. Enjoy pretending to enjoy Birdees you nerd.

Best of luck to the other competitors in the You-Know-That-I-Know-That-You-And-I-Both-Know-Who-You-And-I-Are game today, this week and for the rest of your lives.