‘Everyone was giving heat for us not representing the interests of a student facing expulsion,’ sighed the Deputy Vice-Presidential spokesman. ‘But what a relief we got 2000 signatures on some boring petition about privacy.’
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Reports indicate that audible sighs and moans of relief could be heard from the UQ Union office last week, as they realised they could distract everyone from their cowardice regarding Drew with a spirited, half-baked petition on these ‘student privacy’ shenanigans.
‘Honestly, UQ have done us of one of the all-time greatest solids in committing to this ProctorU shit,’ stated the Deputy Vice-Presidential spokesman, a graduate of King’s College and a ‘legend at sinking bulk piss in the Red Room,’ according to his deranged LinkedIn profile.
‘We were starting to worry we may actually have to say something of substance with respect to a student being expelled for exercising his free speech, but no dramas. Some random petition about privacy should be all the advocacy we need for the year!’ he clarified.
The UQ Union have today remained strong in their steadfast commitment to the second limb of their stated goals, ‘not representing students and being fucking useless.’
Whilst the half-assed campaign to prevent ProctorU probing student’s privacy may have failed, the weak statements of criticism have been a resounding victory for those most concerned with the Union’s core mission: not representing students in actual issues that matter.
Like expulsion!
As the Union throws up their hands four days after they began advocacy against ProctorU’s invasive approach to examinations, claiming they ‘tried literally everything,’ it’s clear that these representatives are actually succeeding in representing the majority of students. As the vast majority of UQ students are simply too jaded or cynical to care about anything, an elected body of student representatives that are either too lazy or too bitter to comment on the one UQ issue making international news in literal decades actually makes perfect sense.
‘Oh, I can’t comment on the Pavlou matter,’ stated the Deputy Vice-Presidential President For Campus Culture And Eating The Lake Water, whilst also cracking open Facebook and liking every single anti-Drew article.
‘It would be rude of me to make any comment whatsoever on his cult of personality,’ he finished, smugly chuckling to himself at his incredibly deceptive choice of words.
What an intellectual powerhouse!
More to come.