Australia’s largest “student union” has today shown signs of life for the first time in months, after being lightly prodded by a group of uncomfortably sexy satire writers.

The hacks awoke from their slumber to oppose UQ’s mandate for students to install spyware on their personal computers under the pretence of invigilation.

The union, which was “deeply disturbed” by the policy, leapt to issue a statement of condemnation and opposition, just a day after refusing to comment on a celebrity student being controversially expelled. Because unions are unable to discuss or represent their constituents in disciplinary matters, of course. Unions are for making pancakes. Makes perfect sense mate.

The move comes as somewhat of an about-face for the union, which up to this point has effectively been run like the HR department of the university itself.

The only explanation for the union’s sudden shift to adversarial, student-focused governance? The sly but undeniably sensual guile of this writer has made the UQU dripping wet for student representation.

No need to be embarrassed UQU, I have this effect on a lot of people.

And the response from this lothario? Good job! More of this please!

May my voracious sexuality be a beacon of light to you all in this uncertain time.

No more to come.