The Brisbane nightlife scene has been shocked this evening, as patrons of the popular club Retro’s have been forced to witness the violent execution of resident DJ Trey Stockings, as he played an 80s hit for longer than the mandated maximum of twenty-six seconds.
The citizens of Brisbane who usually descend upon Retro’s are an eclectic mix of loud eighteen-year-olds who just got kicked out of Birdee’s, coked-up yuppies looking to dance the night away, and strange fiftysomething men who are earnestly looking to listen to the songs of their youth. But one thing unites every resident of that packed, sticky dancefloor: a passion for 80s music, and a complete and utter lack of ability to pay attention for more than a few seconds at a time.
Since the dawn of time, Retro’s management have maintained their flagship policy of ‘twenty-six seconds a song,’ catering to those who love to go out, have a few drinks, and hear three hundred songs over the course of the night.
Admittedly, ‘Africa’ and ‘Take On Me’ usually account for half of the plays they hear at Retro’s, but the variety is still spectacular.
Nevertheless, one brave DJ’s attempt to buck the trend and actually play a song was met with a violent, and swift end. Churchie Old Boy and professional underachiever, Trey Stockings (26), decided to make an absolutely zany decision and whack on MC Hammer’s ‘U Can’t Touch This,’ without brazenly skipping it thirty seconds into the song.
Retribution was swift.
Retro’s management descended upon poor Trey from the booth where they were enjoying their vodka redbulls, and engaged in the Braveheart-esque practice of hanging, drawing, and quartering the bloke. An emergency DJ chucked on his Spotify playlist of ‘80s bangers,’ to ensure the shocked audience could keep dancing, and crucially, to make certain that Trey’s tortured screams would be drowned out by the sweet, sweet sounds of Whitney Houston’s toe-tapper, ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody.’
Let this be a lesson to those who challenge the establishment: no-one wants to hear the whole song.
More to come from this deeply disturbing investigation into Brisbane nightlife.