‘Thank God Elon wasn’t there – there’s only so many dodgy billionaire ****heads I can deal with at once’, Zelensky allegedly muttered.

You would think that dealing with an invasion by Vladimir Putin: a part-time defenestration enthusiast and full-time power-crazed despot would be the worst experience of Volodymyr Zelensky’s life. Since taking office in 2019, he has been dealing with Russia’s imperialist expansion, which came to a head during a full-scale invasion in 2021. As much as his people have suffered at the hands of the Russian army, Zelensky has hit a new low: spending time with Donald Trump and J.D. Vance. Together.

The lead-up hasn’t been pleasant – Trump has spent the past 3 years telling everyone about how close he is with Putin (after all: it takes one to know one!). Since assuming office, Trump has told a blatant and repugnant lie about the start of the conflict (and doubled-down by voting against a resolution recognising Russia started the conflict) and has now been trying to steal Ukraine’s natural resources (imperialist habits die hard, don’t they) as part of a peace deal. Wouldn’t it be better to just be turned into the ‘Riviera of Eastern Europe’ or some other batshit crazy Trump idea?

Against this backdrop, Zelensky had to endure the indignity of shaking hands with America’s favourite rapist, and his potbellied, weird beard sidekick (because, as Australians have seen with Dutton, the only thing worse than Trump is a loser who desperately wants to be like him). He was then subject to a barrage of verbal and personal attacks about such important matters as outfit choice and who ‘holds the cards’ from the most unlikeable double-team since Goebbels and Eichman.

There was one silver lining: he didn’t have to speak to Elon. ‘he’d probably tell me I needed to fire all my soldiers or some shit’, said Zelensky. ‘I know I don’t have a lot to be thankful for right now, but I am so incredibly grateful that I only have to deal with Trump and Putin’ – anyone else would be way too much.

The Obiter hopes Zelensky is feeling alright. We can’t think of anything worse than being lectured about American imperialism by two glorified, big-toe-looking gruncles. Hopefully no more to come.