OPINION: Emma Cooney MUST Change Surname To 'Cheerey' If She's To Become Diversity & Wellbeing VP

If Emma’s any chance of becoming VP of Diversity & Wellbeing, she must follow the lead of Cheer Cheese and do away with the four outdated letters in her last name.

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After a successful year as first-year officer, Emma Cooney has all the qualities of a great UQLS VP; friendly, competent and intelligent.

Though, one crucial thing is holding her back – her outdated last name.

Unlike a packet of Cheery cheddar, the last name Cooney has not aged well. It would be a PR nightmare for someone with that last name to be the face of diversity, a PR nightmare that the UQLS may not survive.

Who would be able to cheers ‘Cooney’ at Queer Beers? Who would be able to do other things at the other events that the Diversity and Wellbeing team definitely put on?

Thankfully, a little rebrand can go a long way.

There was a period of time where the ability to tuck into a big bag of shredded tasty cheese in the middle of the night was threatened, but Cheer Cheese was able to bounce back.

We think that Emma should follow suit and change her last name to Cheery post-haste. At the very least, we suggest that Emma changes her last name to Raccooney to give off a friendly and mischievous rather than problematic vibe.

No more to come.

'I'm Running For The UQLS Because I Want To Represent All 8 People That Came To Our Events This Year'

‘Once upon a time,’ remarked disgruntled fifth-year Jack Smith (23), ‘the UQLS was full of hot, fun, social nerds that knew how to throw a rave’. ‘Now…’ he lamented, ‘it’s just regular home brand nerds that run the show’.

Jack’s feedback comes after the UQLS suffered from poor attendance at many of its key events this year.

Students are all too familiar with ‘ticket sales extended’ posts cropping up on their Instagram stories up until 2 minutes before events like ‘first year laser tag/croquet/bingo night’.

It’s even rumoured that the UQLS started sharing its marketing department with the pigeons at Rugby Australia.

What are the solutions to this problem, you ask? Jack has suggested adding a ‘chad requirement’ to all UQLS positions, a proposal which Milton Brown (20), UQLS Administration Officer nominee, vehemently opposes.

‘The UQLS needs a strong voice for both people that attended Trivia Night,’ Milton said in a statement last night.

‘I will be that voice’.

Milton has since taken a 100-0 lead in the polls over his rival candidate, with some punters saying this is partly due to the lack of a rival candidate.

More to come.

‘Nepotism Baby’ Allegations Levelled Against Traves As Family Ties To Salazar Slytherin Revealed

Some are saying she’s the most genuine and approachable candidate that has graced the election race in many years…but don’t be fooled by the soft exterior.

With a Silk for a father and a QUT law academic as a mother, there is no denying that presidential hopeful Charlotte ‘Lottie’ Traves comes from well-established stock.

But the depths of the Traves network was only fully realised late last night after a whistle-blower at Ancestry. com exclusively revealed to us a dark, albeit unsurprising, family secret - Lottie is the direct descendant of the UQLS’ first president, Salazar Slytherin.

The ardent pureblood is now refusing to rule out rumours that she will open the Level Twenty Seven Chambers of Secrets if she loses the UQLS presidential race.

Team Campion has been quick to respond to last night’s revelation, earlier this morning releasing a statement which read:

What do Draco Malfoy, Kaia Gerber and Lottie Traves have in common? No, it’s not devilishly good looks, it’s a bloodline that gives them a quiet helping hand in their respective industries!

When asked for comment, Traves simply told one of our reporters to ‘piss off, mudblood’.

The Obiter cannot disclose any further information out of genuine fear that we’ll be sued in the Federal Court by Traves KC.

Campion Refuses To Shave Pornstache, Campaign Manager Throws Himself In Front of Moving Truck

‘Hmm, that’s odd,’ thought UQLS presidential candidate, Alex Campion, blissfully unaware that his resemblance to Ron Burgundy was responsible for the disappearance of his eighth member of staff this week.

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Excellent experience, great people-skills, and a clear policy agenda, but there’s just one thing wrong with Alex Campion’s run for the top job: the thin, crusty mo that warmly presses against his upper lip.

That was the desperate message that another member of Campion’s campaign staff tried to deliver to the fourth year Laws/Arts student late yesterday evening, but to no avail.

‘I just need to get a head start on Movember, haha,’ joked Campion to our reporters, ironically unaware of the disastrous mental health impacts that his facial hair was having on those closest to him.

In under a week, voters will find out who will hold the keys to the UQLS Presidential Palace, and some are saying that only one razor stands between Campion and the ultimate prize.

More to come.

'I'm Not Fuckin Leaving!' Announces Georgia Perry, Confirming Tilt For Second Term As Socials VP

‘It’s cowardly, quite frankly,’ the 22-year-old told supporters at a raucous campaign launch yesterday evening, taking a swipe at all nine of her fellow UQLS Management Committee members for failing to seek re-election.

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OPINION: Georgia ‘Pez’ Perry might seem beyond reproach, but don’t be fooled. No amount of exclamation marks in her advanced nomination can mask the darkness that lies within.

Be it the violent military coup to overthrow the elected 2022 Vice-President (Socials) and the subsequent annexation of Cloudland, or the stealing of Russell Hinchy’s speech notes before his address at Law Dinner, or her widely known views about the State of Israel, Pez simply can’t be trusted.

Yesterday evening’s address to a triumphant crowd of supporters at the steps of Forgan Smith drew chills from even the most ardent Russian separatists that sit on the 2022 UQLS Management Committee. If the nod to Jordan Belfort was a sign of things to come, it won’t be a bag of crisps that she’ll be handing out at First-Year Retreat next year.

What’s more is that her plans on infiltrating the press in 2023 appear as if they have succeeded; this may shock some readers, so viewer discretion is advised, but The Obiter can exclusively reveal that her and the sole Obiter-Editor-in-Chief nominee for 2023, William Cook, have been engaging in aggressive sexual relations for some time now. So this may be your last time to hear the truth. Heed my warning.

Karaoke, anyone?

Boris Fuming That Another Prime Minister Went Out With More Of A Bang

In horrific news developing today, former Prime Minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe, is in a critical condition after being shot at a rally while giving a speech in the western city of Nara.

As the world wraps their head around this tragedy, one man who is taking the news particularly poorly is recently resigned British Prime Minister and bumbling sex pest - Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

‘Well thanks a lot Shinzo! This week is just the ruddy worst isn’t it!’ Boris moaned, again demonstrating his keen ability to read the room.

‘Won’t someone think about me in all this??’ he grumbled, furious that another former world leader would dare upstage him like this.

No more to come (probably ever - we fully expect to be cancelled).

Ashgrove Family Expresses Condolences to Japan By Resharing Last Year's Niseko Snaps

‘Sending our thoughts and prayers to our Perisher,’ read Mandy Bartlett's (54) caption from this afternoon’s Facebook post, accompanied by all 57 photos from last December’s family ski trip.

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After hearing the tragic news that former Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe was shot today, an ‘absolutely gutted’ Bartlett family paid tribute to the country that they call their second home (their “snowme away from snowme”) by posting every single photo from their last family holiday in Japan.

The photos of husband Paul going down the slope with his skis on, his wife Mandy going down the slopes with her skis on, daughter Cindy going down the slopes with her skis on and son Tod standing at the top of a halfpipe with his snowboard on (later reports confirm he did not actually go down the halfpipe) really captured a grieving family. 

‘A toast for Japan,’ said Paul proudly over dinner as the family raised Strong’s in tribute.

A leaked message from the family’s WhatsApp confirms that Paul has already been in contact with a travel agent, a clear signal that the Dad of two is hellbent in securing a seventh trip to Japan in as many years for his family.

An Instagram story from daughter Cindy is set to come.

Girl Bored of Felons Goes On Exchange To Do Exactly What She Would Be Doing In Brisbane

In an attempt to ‘find [her]self’ (and the Italian love of her life), Mia, a recently single 20-year-old, has decided to voyage overseas to pay for lasagne in a different currency.

For someone who has never been on a boggo road gaol tour, this recent Contiki trip has included only slightly more sightseeing than drinking with her college bestie.

Although there were concerns the time zone difference may affect her activity on BeReal, The Obiter has been assured that a post has not yet been missed.

While the overseas trip is only for 6 weeks, the exchange couldn’t have come at a more convenient time as the 20-year-old was looking for more creative content to post on the socials amidst the winter deficit of bikini beach photos.

With the flock of private schoolers making waves in the EU, Queensland tourism has began stressing that Howard Smith Wharfs and the recent Asian laneway festival in the botanical gardens (tickets still available) may not be enough to hold these slays in Brisbane.

When in rome!

Lecturer Softens The Blow of Impossibly Difficult Exam Question By Using Various Sitcom Character Names

‘Hehe I’m so quirky!’ thought LAWS9001 lecturer David Harrington (34), after he finished writing a deeply perplexing 70% problem question starring ‘Sheldon Snooper’ as the main protagonist.

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David’s not like the rest of them. He’s young, hip, moderately attractive and this morning, he had coco pops for breakfast. He is, what some might call, a maverick.

Formerly a secondary school English teacher who use to let his classes watch Spicks And Specks on Friday’s, David is now the proud course-coordinator of LAWS9001: Introduction to Criminal Law, Specifically The Crime That I’m Being Accused Of Which We’ll Get To In Week 6.

After suffering a rather unflattering SECAT evaluation last semester, David felt the need to up his game.

Fearing the distribution of Allen’s Snakes for those that attempted to answer questions during class wasn’t going to be enough, David set out for the student’s final exam to write a problem question littered with all the kids’ favourite TV characters.

The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family and Phineas and Ferb were, of course, front of mind.

Unfortunately, those taking the exam quickly realised that David appeared to have spent a little too much time on the arc of his characters and not enough time making sure the question actually made any sense whatsoever.

Pity.

'Had A Straddie Trip Booked': UQ Administration Provides Compelling Defence Of 3-Day SWOTVAC

‘We also honestly couldn’t give a shit,’ advised Vice Deputy-Chancellor Professor Terry White, ‘just deal with it, ay’.

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It’s that time of semester. The bees are buzzing, the birds are chirping, and 82 hours worth of neglected lectures are desperately crying out for you to finally cast your eyes open them.

Amanda Brendale (21) is all too familiar with this reality.

The promise she made to herself at the start of the semester that this year ‘would be different’ has failed to come to fruition. Why is this you ask?

Perhaps it was the crushing reality that her edgy yet stoic barista wasn’t hopelessly in love with her (which became evident after he most recently asked: ‘same as usual, Erin?’), or maybe it was her recurring epiphany that she’d rather own a café at Surfers than sell her soul to some corporate behemoth. Who’s to know.

And if it wasn’t enough of an L season for Amanda, then yesterday’s realisation that the UQ administration had chopped this semester’s SWOTVAC in half really put the nail in the coffin.

In fairness to the humble suits who made the decision, the Airbnb down at Straddie that they’d booked for their end-of-sem-bender looked ‘pretty sick’ and didn’t offer refunds. So arms were tied if we’re being real.

When we reached out for further comment from the powers that be about this decision, they again reminded us why they get paid the big bucks: ‘Just study faster you flogs’.

Cheers.