Annabelle ‘Cool’: Why Electing Annie Khoo To The Position Of Secretary Would Be Disastrous

We all know how important the position of Secretary of the UQ Law Society is. They are the bedrock of our prestigious institution and ensure the effective implementation of the society’s rules. UQLS Secretary is a serious role designed for boring people - like Beining Zhang - yet Annie clearly loves a drink.

Pictured is Annie studying several alcoholic drink. The only thing she should be studying is the Society’s constitution and how QPAY functions. Someone has to work that cursed app out and it is the Secretary.

Annie has been one of this year’s socials officers. Pretty self-explanatorily cool.

The Obiter has heard reports that Annie is involved in the “Law Revue.” The only laws she should be reviewing is the UQLS by-laws. 

Annabelle Khoo is too cool. The society would fall into disrepair if she were elected to the role.

The Obiter humbly calls for some nerd to run from the floor against her. 

Regards,

A concerned UQLS citizen.


Angharad Beach Enlists Nicki Minaj To Deliver Campaign Anthem As UQLS Deputy Presidential Race Heats Up

“Let’s vote for Ms Beach, Beach, let’s vote for our fave” sings Minaj in a reworked version of her 2012 record ‘Starships’.

As the hotly contested race for Deputy President of the UQLS reaches its final days, candidate Angharad Beach has collaborated with rap superstar Nicki Minaj to re-release the 2012 smash hit Starships in a move pundits are saying could blow the race wide open. Minaj’s hit opens:

“let’s vote for Ms Beach, Beach, let’s vote for our fave,

They say, what they gonna say

Grab a coff, fee and hit the Law Libe

Candidates like her are hard to come by”

Beach lends her voice to the pre-chorus, crooning:

            “hey UQ Law, Law, you’ve got one chance

            Society-y, I will enhance

            So vote some more, more, for Dep-u-ty Pres

            Tillie’s a bore, bore, but here I am”

The Obiter was able to speak to Minaj, who told us that, in fact, it was her who had reached out to Angharad with the idea to work together.

“I’ve just been such a huge fan of her essays and exam answers throughout the years,” said Nicki, “and her work in the 2022 Law Revue was sublime. So, of course, when I saw she was up for such a crucial position, I felt that I had to do whatever I could to get her over the line.”

Many think of the role of Deputy President as somewhat of a symbolic role; this, of course, could not be further from the truth. The Deputy President, like the Secretary and Treasurer, works closely with the President to co-ordinate the Law Society. Most importantly, the Deputy President is ready to step into the President’s shoes in the case of an assassination, a situation which is unfortunately all too common for the Leader of the Free Campus.

Indeed, just this year Deputy President Nyenyezi Murhi spent a week in a bunker for security reasons following an attempt on the life of President Charlotte Traves by a group of radical Sidney Lumet fans after her (admittedly misguided and insensitive) comments that the Law Ball’s theme referred to the 2017 Kenneth Branagh MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS and not Lumet’s 1974 adaptation.

Reports from the Tillie Alleluia camp are that the candidate was blindsided by the song’s release, but has been working the phones tirelessly attempting to get in contact with Leonard Cohen or Jeff Buckley to rework Hallelujah into Alleluia, a campaign anthem of her own.

Affirmative Action Secures Tim Rainbird An Uncontested Bid For UQLS Treasurer

Despite the UQLS’s affliction for matriarchy, general membership relieved to see that treasury will remain managed by the finance bros.

For the last decade, the UQLS has enjoyed an inclusive policy that retains the position of Treasurer exclusively for white men.

While some have critiqued saying things like “why is it seemingly always a white guy who is treasurer,” or “lol seriously this is some bizarre pattern every other leadership role is open to anyone”, we at The Obiter firmly believe in the policy as it gives power to an incredibly marginalised group: white men.

We reached out to Tim for comment.

“I’m really grateful for this affirmative action policy. It really gave me hope as a first year that I could break the glass ceiling using my knowledge of Xero and budgeting. ”

The policy is also protected by the fact that the position of Treasurer is hereditary. The Obiter is excited to see which number crunching white guy Tim will appoint as Finance Officer 2024 - or should we say, who Tim will appoint as Treasurer 2025.

No more to come.

"Vote Yes To The Voice?! But I watch the Block!"

Damien Smith [20], is a fan of the simple things in life. Footy, beer, skipping lectures, and watching yuppies from Sydney and Melbourne renovate houses. With all this talk of 'The Voice' going around, Damien spoke with The Obiter via Zoom to get his take in to the national conversation.

"I just think it goes against the Australian values of hard work, mateship, and equality. With the Voice, it's not like you have to work hard at it, you're just born with the ability to sing. On the Block, you watch some real work, even the girls are up before dawn on the tools, none of that airyfairy shit you see with all this Voice stuff. Like the Masked Singer, that's the weirdest thing I've seen on TV since I was in nappies and watching 'In the Night Garden.'"

"I've seen that Albo is in on it too with this announcing of a referendum. Doesn't seem very Labor, the unions usually stick up for the little man. Pretty bloody odd when Big Petey Dutton is the only one talking sense. I know he's voting against the Voice." 

"Yesterday, I called up Sky News, we see the Voice the same way. So I started saying about how the people on the Voice don't have to work hard and just do well from it because they were born that way, and the fella on the other end was agreeing. He even said that they want to steal our land! How are they gonna renovate houses if Sonia Kruger buys everything on the market!" 

“Then he mentioned Indigenous people for some reason. I study business with a few, and we all watch the Block. Not sure why they’d be supportive of the Voice.  

"Some people are still just racist I suppose."

He was interrupted by John Farnham's 'You're the Voice' blaring from the speakers of his iPhone 14.

"Sorry, I've got to take this, it’s Deloitte. Good talking to you mate."

[The Obiter supports the Indigenous Voice to Parliament]

 

You Won't Believe These 3 Events the UQ Law Revue Accurately Predicted

All aboard the Stupolar Express - it’s nearly time for the 2023 UQ Law Revue. 

If you needed more convincing to buy tickets to this year’s show (August 24th-26th, people!!), here is a list of three globally significant events that the Revue writers have accurately predicted. 

1. Three house cats would go on an 8 minute, sexually charged adventure into the outside world, ending in the untimely death of a baby koala. 

While this particular scene from the 2022 Revue was described by many as “unhinged” and “weirdly horny”, the Obiter can exclusively confirm that this happened in Taringa a few weeks ago. Spooky, huh? 

2. Izzie Horsley would go on a date with Oliver Twist at the Howard Smith Wharves. 

This one came to us from a source close to Mr Twist, who said the pair were seen last Thursday sinking Aperols and picking pockets at the famous venue. Izzie was unavailable for comment, except to say “buy tickets to the show, bitches”. 

3. Luke Allen would shit himself live on the Today Show. 

You may remember the Clem7 tunnel Revue sketch, where Luke Allen, the hapless radio operator, is struck by a case of the Bali Belly. This actually foreshadowed a real event, as during a ‘meet the intern’ segment at 9 News, Luke was interviewed by Karl Stefanovich himself. It must have been a nerve-wracking time, because it was difficult to miss the stain on the back of Luke’s chinos… 

So, if you want a peak at what the future has in store, buy tickets here for this year’s Revue: https://premier.ticketek.com.au/shows/show.aspx?sh=STUPOLAR23&fbclid=IwAR3Xb3gV6CqOcRHu9seTeb4pTdJMJkSQhtbDbknearN3My2ZIEei9XHFE-k. 

Disclaimer: The Obiter is a satirical news site. None of the above events actually occurred in real life. It would be really weird if they did.