‘The Law Ball Is, First And Foremost, A Dance!’ Says Candidate Lily Standing On Pointe

Rushing to ensure everyone’s pirouette technique is correct, UQLS Presidential Candidate Lily Smith managed to spare five minutes with The Obiter to explain to us just how the culture of the Law Society can be revived through the power of dance.

No, it’s not a plot out of an 80s movie, like Footloose, or Flashdance. Although it sure sounds like it! It’s a modern approach to education that Smith has honed over decades in Russia’s best secret agent training academies/ballet schools.

‘See, the problem with the Law School is that the feet aren’t nimble enough. How you expect to ever be a lawyer if you can’t dance your way out of trouble?’ she barked, confusingly, in a thick Russian accent. Clouds of cigar smoke enveloped her for the rest of the interview.

As she stood on pointe while encouraging first-years to take up mooting, she shared with us her broad vision for the direction of the Society.

‘It’s simple. Much like McGonagall expressed with such poise and panache in the seminal classic Skyfall, the Law Ball is, first and foremost, a dance!’

As a first-year fell over his own feet, Smith approached with a thick coil of barbed wire rope, threatening to strike, before the young man rose to his feet and tap-danced perfectly for, we’re not kidding, like twenty-eight minutes.

A smile crossed her lips. ‘There is hope for you yet, Padawan.’

More to come.

‘I Love Cricket, And, Um, Beers!’ Says Obvious Nerd Running In The ‘President Jock’ Category

In stunning news coming out of the St Lucia campus this morning, it has become apparent to political commentators and students alike that an obvious Law nerd has decided to run in the ‘President Jock’ category for the leadership of the UQLS.

The category, begun by Ewan Raeside and made famous by two-time-silver-medallist Omar Hardtowin, has never successfully placed a candidate of their own in the Presidency. The role has traditionally been reserved for mooting nerds and lightweights who tell you they’re going to ‘change the culture of the UQLS’ while doing absolutely nothing of the sort.

But this year, things are different. There’s a new breeze. A nerd is finally running in the President Jock category.

A lot of things define a President Jock. The consistent failure to win elections, for one. The belief that playing two games in the Suri Ratnapala Cup constitutes a well-rounded involvement with the UQLS. And of course, the all-important requirement that they be an upstanding graduate from Grammar, Churchie, or Terrace.

But for whatever reason, Ben Funnell is built different. And we’re not talking about his freakishly lanky frame (get a load of ‘Stretch’ Funnell over here!)

It’s the fact that he’s very clearly a nerd trying to hide something. You can just see him slapping all the boys on the back as he walks up to deliver his Presidential address, trembling as he feels his glasses and Newton’s Cradle rubbing against each other in his pockets.

You can just tell that the guy has done mooting. You can just tell that he laughs about ‘how little I’ve studied,’ but then turns around and gets more 7s than he hits on at Friday’s on a Saturday (if only the 8s would listen to that awesome story about Josh Halikos!)

In short, we have a peacock. A rare first. An obvious nerd running to be President of the Jocks.

But maybe, just maybe - he’ll be the President for all of us.

Leave nothing out on the field, mate - there’s a winning sports metaphor for you

“It’s Only Social!” Pleads Bloke Hell-bent on Taking Home the W on a Sunday Afternoon

“Jeez you guys take this way too seriously”, quipped Marcus ‘Bevo’ Adams as he spear tackled the opponent’s left wingers’ 11-year-old daughter into the AstroTurf on field 3.

**********

Say what you want about Bevo, but there’s one universally acknowledged truth about the burly 24-year-old bartender: he ain’t take nothin too seriously. He’s a chill bloke. Criminally chill. A serial chiller if you will. His step-mum agrees. She’s a florist. Nice lady. Her parole officer’s also chill.

So as Bevo drove into uni on a hot spring Sunday afternoon to play his weekly game of 7-a-side social footy, Enimem’s “Mom’s Spaghetti” blasting through the speakers of his Toyota Corolla, he thought the match would naturally just be another chill day at the office. Bevo stood corrected.

He knew from the outset of the game that his beloved team, ‘The Boys United’, were up against a nasty outfit today. They just looked like a “bunch of dickheads”. He could just tell. Bevo’s always had that sort of instinct.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”, Bevo wailed, as the opposition’s striker tackled him cleanly with ease, before dribbling past him and smashing the ball into the top corner, about 30 metres from where Bevo now stood.

“Fuck, sorry boys, I’m gassed” Bevo conceded, as he rushed back to the sidelines at the third minute mark of the contest.

“Don’t worry boys, they’re a fuckin dirty team”, Bevo surmised during his half-time address, his teammates begrudgingly nodding in approval, all quietly thinking that they actually seemed like an alright bunch of blokes and actually their own team just wasn’t very good.

As the game came to his inevitable conclusion, ‘The Boys United’ trailing six goals to one, Bevo couldn’t help himself but remind his opposite numbers that it was “ONLY SOCIAL [soccer], you grubs”.

Naturally, Bevo then charged to the opposition’s bench and spear tackled the left wingers’ 11-year-old daughter into the AstroTurf on field 3, as she peacefully attempted to complete her geography homework.

We look forward to hearing more from Bevo when he attempts to bounce the fuck out of his 8-year-old cousin in the yearly backyard boxing day test match.

Until next week, no more to come.

Stieg Larsson Ventures into Erotic Fiction With New Novel, 'The Boy with the Horse Cock'

The author shocked and aroused hordes of fans with the announcement, which promises a major departure from his previous output.

~~~

Popular author Stieg Larsson shocked millions this morning by revealing that his upcoming release will be an erotic novel.

The Swedish novelist became an international superstar on the back of the raging success of his psychological thriller trilogy, which included the hit novels The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest. But the writer has chosen to branch out from the niche that scored him a high budget Hollywood film adaptation.

Sources say the new novel, The Boy with the Horse Cock, will follow a sexually prodigious stable boy with a colossal penis as he navigates man’s greatest puzzle: the search for the ultimate lay.

With the novel not even released yet, talk of a potential Hollywood adaptation has the film world buzzing, with reports that Dolph Lundgren is at the top of hopeful director Zach Snyder’s casting list.

While early reviews have called the novel ‘crude’ and ‘absurd’, The Obiter remains optimistic for the new release: you can’t go wrong with psychosexual turmoil.

No more to come.

Shithead Satire Writer Out of Fucking Ideas

The day the laughter died.

~~~

After toiling at his craft for years, local satirist James Paddock has hit a wall.

The once proficient funnyman has struggled to overcome a vicious spate of writers block which has stretch for over 3 months.

“I came up with something the other day” said a visibly exhausted Paddock during an exclusive interview with The Obiter, the very publication he writes for.

“Local Man Not Having Sex. What do you think?”

While the stunned silence in the press room did no favours for self esteem, he was nevertheless glad to have conceived a kernel of an idea, a happening that has eluded him since his last big hit: ‘No Seats in Law Library’.

Perhaps this marks a new beginning for young Paddock, who, while not necessarily the most prolific writer, is undeniably handsome, charming, and yeah, I’ll say it, nubile.

God speed young man.

QUIZ: Do You Miss Your Ex Or Are You Just Cold?

Not sure if you’re drifting back into the raven’s nest of post-breakup depression or if its just a brisk 16°C Brisbane day and your shirt is thin? You’ve come to the right place!

Q1: What are you wearing right now?

A: I’ve been wearing the same jumper for six weeks

B: My senior jersey

C: Bluejuice 2009 Australian Tour T shirt

Q2: Was it a bit brisk at work today?

A: I was sweating buckets today at the roller rink.

B: It was a bit nippy at Nando’s Buranda Village today.

C: It was just the right temp in the boardroom at Bluejuice HQ

Q3: How did your exams go?

A: I was in a fugue state

B: If only I knew! Ha ha

C: I Bluejuiced myself!

RESULTS

If you answered mostly As, sorry but its actually 26°C today. You have no choice but to text your ex right now and ask if they’ve watched Love on the Spectrum yet.

If you answered mostly Bs, baby its cold outside! Put on a jumper and some Ugg boots and fire off a few abusive texts to your ex.

If you answered mostly Cs, text your ex’s Mum wishing her a happy birthday.

Lecturer Who Asks Students To ‘Plaese Profdeed Youse Work Be4 Submits’ Not Even Taking the Piss

It was brisk autumn evening in late May when LAWS9000 Lecturer Darryl Fishbone (42, Divorced, Alcoholic, Gambling Addict) began earnestly tapping away at his Lenovo keyboard with no more than two index fingers, not realising that he was creating an exam paper that bears a closer resemblance to hieroglyphs than to the English language.

**************

Many had assumed that it was merely Darryl’s his great affection for Double Oak Kentucky Bourbon that had led to so many of the exam papers that he had written, and the emails that he had sent, to be completely incomprehensible.

While Darryl’s love of his dear Bourbon is no doubt unwavering, his frequent grammatical mishaps are not caused by any indiscretions of this nature (or because a court order has stopped him seeing his kids since Easter), but are simply a result of the fact that he simply doesn’t give a shit about this fifth-year elective course that no other academic wanted to teach.

We here at the Obiter applaud Darryl’s bravery for taking on the challenge of teaching LAWS9000 to 32 students who really don’t want to be there, but we must call out unscrupulous behaviour when we see it. Darryl you must be better. Margaret isn’t going to take you back either way, no matter how many problem questions you write where she realises she was wrong to leave you and wants you back.

In spite of Darryl’s illiteracy when it matters, when it comes to dishing out exam feedback he suddenly transforms from a former first XV Nudgee old-boy into what only could be described as a poetic bulldozer, characterising students’ work as ‘impossible to read, largely self-contradictory, and so shamefully insipid that it surely must have been written by a supine protoplasmic invertebrate jelly’. Perhaps an unfair takedown from the likes of you, Darryl.

No more to come.

SWOTVAC UPDATE: Jumper Completely Encrusted with Food by 9:00AM

In a world-first exclusive, the Obiter can confirm that Linda Chun's jumper is already covered in Shape's crumbs and chocolate stains at this early hour.

In other news, this writer doesn’t have time to write a full article.

Man Buys Lentils, Takes Rest of the Day Off

‘That’s enough work for today’ said Matthew Allport, as he cracked his knuckles and prepared himself for a big afternoon of leisure.

~~~

Local 22 year old Matthew Allport took a big step today, a step so big that he has no choice but to not take another step for the rest of the day.

Today Matthew made his first ever purchase of lentils, a commitment that ensures that he will put at least a little bit of effort into his cooking this week. And he’s absolutely exhausted just thinking about it.

‘Even just the word lentils scares me’ said Allport at a crowded press conference.

‘But there’s a point in every young person’s life where they have to buy lentils and start figuring out their fucking life, and I guess that day is today for me.’

However, the recent graduate says tonight ‘isn’t the night’ for the lentils to be prepared and consumed.

‘There’s only so much a man can do in one day, jesus. Get off my fucking back and let me watch my cardoons’ said an indignant Allport, before storming out of the press room.

Put your feet up and tuck into some Ed, Edd and Eddy Matty boy, you’ve earned it.

Report: That Captcha Was Actually Pretty Hard

The Obiter is able to confirm reports circulating today that will send shockwaves through the fields of business, technology and philosophy: that captcha was actually pretty hard, hey.

The Obiter has gained access to an exclusive interview with Mitchell Feeney (22), the whistleblower at the centre of the unfolding scandal.

‘Yeah look, like, that was pretty hard hey’ said Australia’s answer to Bob Woodward at press time.

‘Like, these bloody computers must be getting pretty good if I have to pick parking meters out of that. You can hardly see the bloody thing!’

Thank you for your bravery, Mr Feeney, and god speed.

No more to come.