New ‘Slowed & Reverb’ Lecture Speed Causes Rift Amongst UQ Nightcore Enthusiasts

The new speed option aims to stop the sudden surge of hyperpop lecture inspired soundcloud remixes and encourage engagement.

The university’s pilot program comes as the 2x lecture speed epidemic has been a recurring concern for both students and lecturers. 

Some people like Law/Arts student Caroline Smith - who definitely chose her degree for her mathematical capabilities - defend the 2x speed option saying, "It’s basic maths, you’re cutting the time in half”

However, the super speed option has led to more major consequences, namely the sudden surge of hyperpop artists.

"They keep making shitty soundcloud mixes of my lectures," complains a disgruntled source who remains anonymous to protect his end-of-semester student feedback, which he is confident will actually be filled out this time.

But tensions are rising, "Now they're making crazy tiktok edits of my lectures". 

Since the new speed introduction, 'pro-Nightcore' petitions seem to be circulating on campus, and a great divide now plagues UQ - mostly between the gaming society and everyone else.

UQ says they are currently in the process of making a ‘warm & dulcet tone’ speed option to help conquer any further Nightcore lecture remixes.

First years claim it will make total logistical sense for Taylor Swift to headline the Toga Party

Asserting there’ll be more security at the Toga Party than the Era tour and that emissions will be saved by Taylor not flying to Mebourne.

* * *

Upon the recent announcement of UQ’s Toga Party line-up, some first years are quite disappointed to see that Taylor Swift won’t be headlining UQ’s biggest event on the 16th February. 

Claiming it would make total logistical sense for Taylor to headline the party since she will be already touring Australia, this group told The Obiter that they were expecting much bigger artists to make the line-up. 

Some UQ first years in protest of the line up has suggested they’d like to see the togas swapped for a Kansas City Chiefs jersey in a bid to persuade Taylor on performing. 

“The least she could do is perform at the UQ’s equivalent of the Superbowl,” said a diehard Swifie. 

This high expectation of the infamous party is likely the result of their second-year friends telling them that the UQ Union had secured some pretty well-known artists in previous year. 

Another Swiftie fan said while she felt mislead from the facebook event claiming ‘the best lineup yet’, she will probably still enjoy the Red Wiggle’s set.

“I’ve heard he plays at Fridays often though so I’m not sure how many people are actually going to go to the Toga Party now that Taylor is not playing,” she said.

“I’ve got bad blood with the UQ Union.”

Taylor Swift making casually employed uni student feel pretty unproductive this week

Student on four-month-long uni break who has done nothing this week but work five hours and get a haircut, feels a bit lazy when compared to someone who has toured the world, topped the charts, won a grammy, and announced an album all in seven days. 

It’s a cruel summer realisation for the 20 -year- old casually employed student, who has been flung into a quarter-life crisis while starting to doubt the use of his time in the overly generous summer break. 

“I mean in the period of time it took me to make a spotify playlist for chill summer vibes, Tay Tay has probably recorded an entire album while touring the world,” said the Economics student whose new haircut does arguably look pretty good. 

Derrick, who is still freeloading at home, has told The Obiter this summer hasn’t been a complete waste of time, since he’s taught himself to play ‘Smoke on the Water’ and ‘Smoke on the Water acoustic intro version’ from EasyGuitarVids.com. 

“It was pretty easy to be honest, I guess only the lucky ones get to have it easy and live as a rock star while the rest of us have to get proper jobs and work hard,” said the student on his couch at home.

As the weeks wind down, Derrick has resolved to making some drastic changes in his life, including setting an alarm before noon and is now considering learning ‘Love Story’ on acoustic guitar. 

No more to come on Derrick’s music career. 

Uh Oh! I Patted One of the SWOTVAC Alpacas and I Still Have Depression

This week, the UQ Life team has shown that its finger is firmly on the pulse of what students want out of their university experience. It’s alpacas. 

It’s always been alpacas. 

Research suggests that looking at an alpaca is the quickest and cheapest way to cure depression. That, alongside live music in the Great Court and a metric-tonne of kettle-corn. 

But the Obiter has discovered that some Law students feel that when the captive farm animals start rolling into campus, it’s a reminder that things are ‘not okay’.

Nadia Singh (19) (a pseudonym) shared her own, more harrowing story.  

‘I was promised that if I lined up for 15 minutes to touch an alpaca, my crippling anxiety about having 3 exams in 2 days would be cured.’ 

‘But I swear, when I made eye contact with the animal, it triggered an IBS flare up.’

‘Obviously, I’m now more stressed.’

Other students reported being misled that they could cuddle some puppies in the Union Complex, only to find that the dogs were geriatric and generally distrustful of humans. 

Thankfully, the Law School’s student wellbeing team - including Dony Rodriguez and Katelyn Maccarone - remain faithfully stationed on Level 2 of the Law Library, giving out muesli bars and reminding people what happiness looks like. 

More to come.

Exactly Three People You Know Invested In JATL Presidential Race

Tomorrow, James Athur and Grace Beattie will be battling it out for the position of President of JATL. The question on everyone’s lips is “What’s JATL, bro?”

JATL stands for Justice And The Love. Or maybe Jesters And The Law. Or maybe Jack And The LBeanstalk. I really don’t know.

In any case, we investigated the two candidates who were looking to fill the shoes of last year’s JATL president, Someone [Insert Last Name].

Grace Beattie is an experienced, capable leader that is particularly promoting her leadership experience with “ALSA”. The Obiter further researched Grace and found that she is currently on exhange in a cold Scandinavian country. It is with reasonable certainty that we conclude that Grace has actually been in service of Princess Elsa of Arendelle, and this whole ALSA thing is just code for “I know a Princess with ice powers so vote for me or else.”

James Arthur may have two first names, but he also has two other things - coolness and swag. However, his initials are the first two letters of JATL, which is awfully suspicious. After some digging, we found that “James Arthur’s” birth name is actually Bames Barthur and that he changed it to be a more appealing candidate. We secretly recorded an the record conversation with James where he said, “Yes I know I have what it takes to be an excellent President, yes I know I look epic as hell playing in the Law Revue band, but I just really think I need to change my initials to JA to have a shot!”

After our thorough research, we discovered that JATL stands for Justice And The Law. The society runs a number of important events and issues some great publication and is essentially like the UQLS but for people with morals.

We wish both candidates all the best and all JATLERs a great year next year.

Happy Halloween!

LinkedIn Adds Reels

People are now able to flex their careers and provide vapid motivational advice through the medium of 30 second videos!

The Obiter reached out to LinkedIn to explain their recent decision to feed into the TikTokification of every app. They explained that it is a bid to tap into the ever shortening attention spans of Zoomers and also because it would be funny to see a guy dancing in a suit.

They also said that it will tap into the flog inspirational speaker market, and that Tony Robbins and Jay Shetty have already signed exclusive LinkedIn reel deals.

The Obiter spoke to local tax accountant Daniel Smurton (42) about his experience of the update.

“I detest both showing off and dancing, but I had to post. There is simply no other way to get ahead with your career these days. I don’t even know who Troye Sivan is but I know that he is trending. ”

There have been rumours that LinkedIn is also trialing livestreaming, with beta testers saying, “Mmm job promotion so good, thank you for the glizzy!”

No more to come.

Law Professor Answers Own Question For 17th Time This Seminar

“So, pretty basic question guys, the three elements of contract are offer, acceptance and…?” After five minutes of silence, Professor Freedman (56) continued defeatedly, “Consideration. Slow morning team haha.”

Student’s in this morning’s Law of Civil Procedure class have reported that familiar, horriblly awkard feeling of a class where no one speaks except the teacher.

Professor Freedman reportedly had a one man dialogue for the entire two hour duration of the class and was heard muttering to himself “I guess I’ll answer this one” and “Come on guys.”

The Obiter interviewed a number of the students present.

Cassie Turner (21) said, “Yeah look it is that point of the semester isn’t it. There was no chance I knew the answer to a single question so I just spent most of the class online shopping and reading excerpts from the new Britney Spears book.”

Glorp Gostro The Destroyer of Worlds (32456), who was sitting towards the back of the class, said “I am a being of pure hatred and evil and I will end you and your puny civilisation stop asking me questions tiny man you will not exist for much longer!”

Thanks Glorp.

The Obiter caught up with Professor Freedman at the Redroom later that day because, fuck it, Law Professor’s can have beers too.

“Yeah look I hated that. If it wasn’t for the occasional well prepared nerd, my entire job would be talking to myself.”

He continued.

“I don’t know what has happened but students are incredibly reticant to engage in seminars. I think they’ve gotten dumber. Personally, I blame TikTok.”

No more to come.

Henry Changes Last Name To Sport In Vain Attempt To Convince People He Plays Sports

Henry Spork seemingly has it all. Brains. Good looks. A funny last name. Though there is one thing he is lacking and that is crucial to his position as Sports VP: the ability to play sports. 

“Guys call me Henry Sport because I play a lot of sports” said the prospective VP of Jocks Henry Spork, convincing no one. 

The Sports VP is a sacred role destined for the law society’s biggest Jocks. It is a role reserved for only the biggest meat heads and one that gives them the safe space they need. Henry is no such meat head.

We all remember Angus Watson’s inspirational Sports VP speech, “Angus smash!” 

This poignant speech encapsulates the importance of this role to the Neanderthals in the law school. We cannot let someone as sophisticated as the Sporkmeister take this role. 

The Obiter investigated Henry’s sporting history and it is grim. Henry once played 5 minutes of social netball before coming off with a sprained ear (the whistle was too loud). Henry is actually quite proficient at pigeon golf, whatever that is, though that is not an internationally recognised sport. 

We questioned Henry about his lack of sporting participation. 

“Fine, I’m not a rugby meathead like Angus Watson, or a cricketer that peaked in highschool like Will Garske and Ben Funnell. But I do have one thing that they do not: heart. Also, I was a social sports officer and am completely qualified for the role.”

The Obiter was sincerely moved by these comments and now support Henry in his campaign for Sports VP.

Who Is This Guy?

UQLS oldhead Tom Walsh promises to ‘school’ newcomer Felipe Florit in the art of being VP (Education).

In what promises to be the greatest showdown this side of The Levant, Tom Walsh and Felipe Florit will be going head to head for Vice-President (Education) in the 2023 UQLS AGM.

Tom ‘Senior Citizen’ Walsh has reportedly been overheard saying that he will ‘school’ UQLS newcomer Felipe and that, ‘Felipe ain’t got nothing on me fam!’

However, the Obiter has it on good authority that Walshy doesn’t even have his pen license and instead writes exclusively in pencil and crayon. How can he educate others, if he isn’t educated himself? What can we learn from Walshy, other than how to grow a sick moe?

But the question on everyone’s lips is… who is the enigmatic Felipe? Who is this aliteratively name outsider promising to overhaul a system that no one thought was broken?

Well, the Obiter’s investigative team has done the digging. We’ve heard that Felipe has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus, that his hair’s insured for $10,000, and he does car commercials… in Japan.

Two men. One student society executive role. Who will win?

The Obiter eagerly awaits the election results.

Freedom Of Speech Under Threat With Shocking Obiter Editor-in-Chief Nomination Mystery

A universal human right is under threat after the Obiter’s big dog position 'suspiciously’ receives no nominations, causing many to worry about the future of press freedom in the UQLS. 

The Obiter has long stood as the important fourth estate providing head noise to many after the law ball, it’s impartial UQLS election coverage, and great quality MAFS articles. 

Now the future is looking grim for not only the masthead, but the landscape of press freedom in this country. 

While Renato Costa’s Aussie Law may argue the constitution does not explicitly protect freedom of expression, we believe this country should give more of a damn about the Obiter’s feelings. 

This has caused many to entertain conspiracies about the the Obiter next year. Asking questions such as: 

Is the UQLS trying to censor such an impartial, objective and credible fourth estate? 

Has The Betoota Advocate bought the Obiter?

Is the Obiter collaborating with the UQUTE campus dating show? 

Is this just Elliot Perkins trying to get ahold of deleted 2022 UQ Law Ball videos? 

Has Obiter got too big for it’s own boots? 

#freedomofthepress